dichotomy ; gawsten

thirty one

He feels it.

He feels pressure, against his chest.

Awsten pushes him away.

Everything stops.

He was starting to rebuild, the kiss was slowly starting to stack blocks upon blocks in his chest, rebuild it into something resembling more of a chest cavity and less of a pile of shattered bones. He was starting to build himself back up, put the puzzle pieces together and allow the warmwarmwarm to fill in every tiny gap.

And now there's a wrecking ball suspended from his front. It only takes one swing, one hit, for the foundation to crumble again. The pieces are jagged. They prick and sting and burn at the bottom of his chest cavity. He feels each individual one fall.

He blinks rapidly and looks up at Awsten. He's sinking. Everything is sinking. His physical form is there but everything inside is disintegrating. His vision is blurry and his heart is racing.

Why did you do that what the fuck is wrong with you why would you do that he had no idea he wasn't prepared why would you take advantage of him like that why are you such a horrible person why can't you do something right for one fucking minute-

"Geoff?"

He feels the touch on his back, the slightest sliver of warmth, like finding a tiny pool of water in the middle of the driest desert ever. He presses into it, leans back and against Awsten's hand, closes his eyes and forces himself to exhale. "I'm so sorry Awsten, oh my god, I'm so fucking sorry I shouldn't have done that I shouldn't have kissed you I basically forced myself on you I-" He pauses to hiccup, brings a hand to his chest and presses inward. "I'm sorry I'm so sorry please don't be mad please I just-"

"Geoff!" Awsten's voice is light. He bites his lip and opens his eyes and sees the smile on Awsten's face. He doesn't look upset. His cheeks are pink and his eyes are shining. "Stop, okay? You didn't do anything wrong."

"But I- and you pushed- I- you couldn't have-" he stutters. His mind is racing. Everything is happening so fast all it once it's all hitting him it's so fast he can't think-

Youfuckeduphe'sgonnahateyouotto'sgonnakillyouyou'regonnaloseeverythinghe'sgoneyou'regonnadiealone.

"I liked it." Awsten feels for his hand and then moves up to grip his shoulders. "Okay? I didn't push you away because I didn't. I pushed you away because you were having a panic attack and you kissed me to stop it."

"I- I wasn't, I didn't-" His chest hurts the walls are coming closer youfuckedupyoufuckedupyoufuckedup.

"Hey, come here..." He feels Awsten drag him forward. His face hits Awsten's chest. He wraps his arms around Awsten's waist and swallows, inhales, tries to bring his breathing back to normal. It's going too fast everything is going too fast he wants to get off he's dizzy the world is spinning he wants to get off why can't he get off.

Awsten rubs his back, presses the circles into his skin. He feels it. He feels the warmth he feels what was missing five minutes ago he feels the warmth he wasn't getting the warmwarmwarm he felt when he kissed Awsten he feels it now why couldn't this have happened earlier why did he have to cross a line why did he have to violate him- you violated him you forced yourself on him you're a fucking creep what the fuck is wrong with you.

"You were having a panic attack," Awsten repeats. He feels his lips against the top of his head. "And you kissed me because you thought that would stop it. And I know what we do makes you feel okay, Geoff, but this is different. This is so new for you. Everything. You've never even thought about doing this with a guy before. You can't waste it on trying to feel something. You deserve better than that."