hi. this is the most triggering chapter yet. i had to take a few mini-breaks while writing it because it was bad for me too. please be careful. don't read this if you're not in a good place to.
trigger warnings - anxiety, panic attacks, self-harm, blood, and suicide.
He drops it so many times.
The metal slips from his hands and clatters to the floor and escapes his slick fingers every time he tries to grab it. He pokes his nail underneath, inserts it between the bathroom tile and the small rectangle, and manages to grip back onto it. He feels the skin break, feels the pads of his fingers start to sink against the hard material enclosed in his palm, bites down on his lip and rips against the scab and feels the pain, all at once, everywhere.
What the fuck just happened what the fuck is going on how did this happen how did he end up here how did he lose everything in one night hot cold hot wet everything is blurry he can't see he can't breathe it feels so tight it's getting tighter he's gonna die why the fuck is this happening to him why is this his life what is he going to do he can't do this he can't do any of it it's all wrongwrongwrong nonono.
Not gay not gay not gay not gay not gay not gay not gay not gay not gay not gay not gay.
What is she talking about what is he doing he's flirting with another guy she saw she saw it she knows if she knows everyone knows they all know-
cheatermanwhoreattentionseekerpieceofshitnonononono.
He can't see everything is spinning he's on a rollercoaster he's in a blender he's on liquefy everything is moving get me out get me off I don't want this anymore I don't want it I can't do it I can't breathe stopstopstop pleasepleaseplease.
get off leave me alone stop stop it I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't fucking breathe it hurts it hurts it hurts please no go away get off me stopitstopitstopit.
He lifts his head and slams it against the bathroom tile, once, twice, again and again until his vision starts to go spotty. Everything's fading at the edges. They're fuzzy and black, the edges curling up into themselves, spitting ink through the rest of the picture. He can't see nothing is clear everything is blurry it's all shapes it's moving he's moving he wants to get off he feels sick it's coming he can't move nonono.
It comes. It coats the front of his shirt, sticky and warm. He can't see he can't move it's spinning everything is spinning get me off please I want it to stop it hurts make it stop I can't do this anymore I can't it's too much stopstopstop.
He vomits again. And again. Over and over until he's gagging on stomach acid, burning the back of his throat. It stings it hurts he can't breathe why isn't this stopping why won't it stop why can't he breathe why is he always like this it hurts it hurts it hurts.
Why is he always like this why can't be calm down why can't he be a normal human being they're gonna kill him everyone's gonna kill him they're not gonna stop it won't stop he'll get stopped in the streets and screamed at by managements hate accounts death threats go kill yourself why do people even look up to you he doesn't know he doesn't know he doesn't know.
She was the only part of him people liked.
She was all he had left.
The statement's gonna go up Jawn's gonna be pissed it's all gonna be ruined it's ruined their careers are over it's over everything's over you're so fucking selfish why can't you just suck it up why do you have to be a baby about everything oh poor Geoff doesn't get his way for one thing and has panic attacks until things go his way stop it stop being useless haven't you caused enough trouble stop giving them more to deal with you're too much toomuchtoomuchtoofuckingmuch.
YOU ARE READING
dichotomy ; gawsten
Fanfiction"He had everything, but felt nothing. He had nothing, but felt everything." geoff is in a famous band. awsten is from a small town in the middle of nowhere. they couldn't be more different. maybe that's for the best.
