dichotomy ; gawsten

thirty five

mild trigger warnings for anxiety and panic attacks. it's not too bad though.

"Do you want sprinkles?"

"Hell yeah. I don't hate myself that much."

He feels Awsten's hand move from his shoulder to slide around his waist. He pulls his lip in with his teeth, tries to hold back the smile as he reaches for the spoon to scoop the colored jimmies onto Awsten's bowl of frozen yogurt. He grabs the edge in one hand and picks up his own cup with the other. "Just the syrups now, alright love?"

He freezes.

Awsten's arm is tightening around his waist his heart is racing did he really just- fuck what did he do did he just fuck all this up they're definitely moving too fast it's not love not yet it's not love yet why does he have to go and ruin everything like this fuck-

The next few actions come with jerks and stumbles that leave Awsten panting as well. He's starting to sweat. The warm is traveling up his back in tendrils, claws digging into his skin and bleeding the heat in. They emanate fire and he's taking all of it, feeling the flames spark and ignite all over the back of his shirt. Sweat is trapping it against his body. He swallows. Fuck.

He pays for the yogurts in a rush, barely manages to thrust his card at the cashier and accept the receipt in his shaking hands. He's trying so hard not to go into a full-on panic attack you need to lead Awsten you're not by yourself anymore you're not on your own it's him too you can't panic like a pathetic weakass baby. Pull yourself together and get the fuck over it.

Only when they're finally sitting down at a table – once Awsten's almost tripped over the leg of it and he's managed to pull his chair out so far he almost fell – does Awsten speak. "You called me love."

"Y-Yeah," Geoff chokes out. His hands are shaking. He stares down at the yogurts in front of them, focuses his vision on the liquid consistency they're starting to melt into and the gummy bars swimming in pools of milky yogurt. "I-Is that okay? I'm sorry it's probably too soon I just-"

Awsten grabs his hands, puts a pause in their shaking. The touch is heated, warm against his skin. He swallows again. Breathe. He doesn't seem mad. Breathe. "It made me happy."

Awsten's voice is so soft. He's looking at him with the biggest smile on his face, teeth showing, redness creeping up and enveloping his cheeks. It's that delicate color, the rosy pink that blossoms, tiny at first, and eventually plants roots under his skin and spreads to his entire face. It makes him glow. He wishes Awsten could see his own face when he gets like this.

He stopped calling Chloe 'love' a couple months into their relationship. It didn't roll off his tongue the way it used to. He'd forget, have to remember to add it onto the end of a sentence every so often. It didn't make her light up the way it's making Awsten. It always seemed like an afterthought, like he had to convince himself that's how he felt about her and saying it out loud would assist in that journey.

"You make me happy," he chokes out. "I- these past few months have been so hard and I never thought I'd be happy again but you make me so happy, Awsten." There's a lump in his throat that, for the first time, he isn't trying to swallow against. Tears are burning at the corners of his eyes. His face hurts from smiling.

"Kiss me."

"W-What?"

"I don't wanna miss your face and make this awkward, so kiss me you sappy shit."

He leans up in his seat first, bends his knees under the table and balances on that as he stretches to take Awsten's face in his hands and press their lips together. And then his knees burn and the pain starts to get worse, so he moves around, to Awsten's side of the table, lowers himself onto his knees entirely, wraps his arms around Awsten's neck, and kisses.