dichotomy ; gawsten

nineteen

okay um. i'm shaking and my heart is racing after writing this because this is a part of past trauma i've never really confronted so um. this chapter's a lot. trigger warnings - anxiety, panic attacks, and internalized homophobia. 

"Holy shit."

"Fuck." His hand stills in Awsten's hair and he lifts his head. His heart is already starting to speed up. "Um, I-"

Otto shakes his head. He holds a hand up and moves to the side of the bed, sits on the edge and rests a hand on Awsten's back. "How is he?"

"He just fell asleep," Geoff says. "I'd move but I don't wanna disturb him I just." He pauses. Why are his hands shaking it's just Otto he knows Otto he shouldn't be this anxious what the fuck is this why is he the worst person on the planet why is he like this whywhywhy.

He tries to shift himself, tries untangle his body from Awsten's and free himself from his death grip, but the moment he moves Awsten lets out the tiniest whimper. He hears the sharp intake of breath and feels the grip tighten on the back of his shirt so he stops, moves back into place and tousles his hands through Awsten's hair again.

"You're good." Otto's voice is quiet. "Let him sleep. He's not gonna get much tonight."

"Do you like." He cuts himself off, pulls his lip in with his teeth and bites down. He doesn't know how to ask this question without it sounding offensive and he doesn't want to piss Otto off he can't lose Awsten he can't piss Otto off it feels like he's under a microscope he hates this nonono. "Is she. Um. Is she buried around here? So he can like. Visit her grave? I'm sorry if that's too-"

"Dude." Otto smiles at him. "Ya gotta relax. M'not gonna hurt you." Geoff waits. It looks like he's going to say something else. "But...no. They had her cremated. His dad. Wanted to move on from everything. It, um, I don't know how much he's told you, but the first couple years after the accident were really, really bad."

"What do you mean?"

"Awsten doesn't talk to his dad anymore," Otto says. He moves his gaze to the bedspread and begins to pick at a loose thread on the comforter. "His parents got divorced two years after the accident."

Geoff swallows. He wants to know more. He wants to know everything. If the last few hours have taught him anything, it's that the boy in his arms has suffered a lot more than he gives himself credit for, a lot more than he openly admits. Awsten wears damage well, so well, in fact, that he almost didn't see it. He couldn't conceptualize the amount of pain Awsten's been through until he learned about the accident and Gracie's death, and now all of that has been flipped on its head because it was so much more.

He wasn't always this happy, vibrant, bright, sunshiney boy. He evolved into it. He became happy, became confident, became colorful, even in light of everything that's happened. "He told me about before the accident. The depression and cutting and stuff."

Otto intones a heavy breath. "Yeah. He was bullied, a lot, when he was younger. Really bad. He dropped out and got his GED after everything because he couldn't deal with it anymore."

Geoff feels like his heart is in pieces, like he can detect the very one that belongs to Awsten, the one that's got so many new cracks and breaks in it. He's known Awsten for barely a month and he has a large part of his heart, his smile and laugh and the crinkle of his eyes and his pink cheeks when someone compliments him and his sarcasm and sense of humor and touch and hugs his warmth he's warm he bleeds warmth into Geoff Geoff feels warm when he's around him, like it diffuses into his body through their close contact.

"His dad wanted to move on," Otto continues. "After the accident. Do everything possible to get back to normal, to the way things were before. He was looking for all these shot in the dark "miracle"." He pauses to put air quotes around 'miracle', "surgeries that could possibly repair Aws' optic nerve. The failure rate was higher than the success but he wanted it. He wanted his son back to "normal". He spits out the word, like it's a bad taste in his mouth. "It's like he thought blind meant broken. That Awsten would never have a normal life because of this. His mom didn't agree. That's why they got divorced."