dichotomy ; gawsten

forty two

i did not expect it to turn out this heavy wow

mild trigger warnings for anxiety/panic attacks

"You get used to it."

He feels his heart start back up. It was barely beginning to rest from all the previous activity, and now it's back to racing again. It's panic and it's sore and everything aches and he doesn't want to do this anymore he doesn't want to be here anymore he doesn't know why he is he doesn't want to be here he didn't ask for this when did this happen when did this become his life-

"Breathe."

He leans into the pressure on his back, inhales through the fragments of his chest and exhales out the breath, and as torn up and ragged as it is, it comes.

They don't usually come.

It comes.

He turns his head and swallows back heavily, presses on the lump in his throat and welcomes the tears. It's an excuse to squeeze his eyes shut. "Sorry."

"Don't be," Grace says. "Otto told me, y'know...about you." When he opens his eyes to look over at her, hers widen. She holds her hands up in surrender and takes a step to the side, starts to shake her head vigorously. "He didn't go in detail, I promise! He just said you have panic attacks." She drops her voice down a bit. "Awsten doesn't know about this, so please don't say anything, but...Otto does, too. They're not like, regular, or anything, but he's had a lot of them since Aws found him that one night..."

"You..." He trails off, shaking his head. He doesn't know how to ask the question. He doesn't know what to say. Otto and Awsten and Grace are all part of this tangled web, formed strings to each other through their painful pasts that culminate in their mannerisms today and ultimately have shaped them into who they are, and he's on the outside.

He doesn't know.

He's on the outside.

"Can I sit?" She asks. He bites his lip and scoots over to the edge of the couch, presses his body against the arm and drops his head to take another breath. The cushion dips beneath him, and he hears her sigh. "I get it, you know? I get what you're feeling."

"No, you don't." He hears himself say the words before he registers saying them, and then his heart is off again. Where do you get off running your mouth you're gonna make her hate you and then she'll tell Otto and he'll get Awsten to break up with you he doesn't love you no one loves you it's them and then you them and then you you're not important pitypitypity­- "I-I'm sorry, I-"

"Otto loves Awsten more than he'll ever love me."

The words hang in the air for a few seconds. They stay there. She goes silent and he keeps his mouth shut too- am I supposed to say something what do I even say to that what do I say fuckfuckfuck-

She smiles. "But I'm okay with that. It doesn't bother me anymore. It used to, I mean, I used to be pissed that he was always cancelling plans or rescheduling on me. And yeah, it made me feel second best and not important for a while." She takes a breath and looks down at her feet. "I didn't handle it well. And when I finally snapped-" She shakes her head. "I was so stupid. Otto loves Awsten more than he'll ever love me, but he will never love Awsten the way he loves me. It's different. A different kind of love."

"What do you mean?"

"They're all each other had," Grace says. "For so long, they were all they had. After the accident...I've known them for a few years now. I liked him for almost a year, before I said anything. Otto was so scared to date for so long. Awsten had to practically set things up for us. It goes back to what they've done for each other. How they've helped each other. Awsten will always be the most important person in his life, and Otto will always be the most important to Awsten. It's nothing against you, it's just- it's them. It's the way it is."