bad habits and broken smiles

Chapter 4

**im sorry the chapters are so short the mobile app kind sucks for that but ill manage, I may start using a laptop**

I pick up my sweater from the back and drape it over my shoulders, and look at Matt. He looks mad, but he turns and looks at me while licking his lips, his anger then forms into a smile "what?" He says letting out a small laugh. I smile back "nothing I just enjoy looking at you" he of course looks at his feet and smiles then looks back at me "you know these feelings aren't new"

I've known Matt for a while, 10 years I'm pretty sure. He's always been the kind of person to be bad, in grade 8 he started to smoke weed I don't know for sure,but I'm pretty sure he did. He has always been sort of a bad boy, and to be honest I love it.

He looked at me after me not replying "I've felt something for you like 2 years after we met. I never was in your classes until then, but when I first saw you I pointed you out to my mom and said you were the prettiest girl I had ever seen except for her. Then when I was in your class you were nice to everyone and incredibly smart which made me like you even more." He smiled then looked out my window and slowed down.

I looked out my window to see a cemetery and a church. He put the car in park and pulled out the key "here we are" he said opening the door and pulling himself out then running to my side and helping me out. I breathed in the crisp air and put my hands in my pocket "why are we here?" I said and he took my one hand out of my pocket and tangled it with his, it fit perfectly. "You'll see" he said pulling me to the cemetery.

We weaved through the gravestones to the far corner of the cemetary, there sat one grave on its own under a small maple tree. We approached the stone and I looked at the name and opened my jaw a bit. It read: Elizabeth Espinosa 04.12.06, the angel finally grew her wings.

I looked at Matt as he had a toothless smile looking at the gravestone, he seemed happy but his eye said otherwise. They look pained to be here "Matt you know we don't have to be here" i said softly. He nodded "I know" he said in a quiet voice "sit" he said pulling me to the ground with him. He sat beside me not letting go of my hand, there was a moment of silence until i broke it "Matt" i paused "why are we here?" he turned and looked at me "i want to tell you a story,not many know it but i think you should because of.." he trailed off looking at my wrists.

He looked at the stone again " this is my mother, i didnt know her for very long but i loved her dearly, she was a great person. She always smiled when i was there, but now i know they were all fake. everyday she would wake up and immediately take pills, for depression i later discovered, she looked tired all the time and often i would see her with red eyes because she was crying all night. I would constantly ask her whats wrong but she would say nothing and i would just go with it. A few years before she died I found out she was self harming, I asked her what those scars were from and she told me that people who have them are angels who are fighting off demons. Two years later while i was in school they called me to the office and told me she had killed herself and left a note for me." his eyes were watering with every word he spoke, he then reached for his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper and began to unfold it.

He handed me the paper and tried to choke down his tears, i took it from his hands and began to read:               

Dear my beloved Matt,

Im sorry I cannot be with you for the rest of your life, you see you were my ray of sunshine, my only sunshine. Mommy knew she was not going to be able to see you get married or anything but I tried. The demons I fought everyday, which left scratch marks on me began to become stronger and stronger. I hope one day you find someone and help them fight their demons like you helped me. Remember the day you told me you had seen the prettiest girl you had ever seen?  You should go and tell her that everyday so she doesn’t have demons, and if someday she does kiss the scratch marks and make them heal. I know that this was a quick goodbye and a sudden one too, but someday you will understand Matt. Mommy has grown her wings in heaven now, I am an angel and I will always be watching over you. I love you Matt and don’t you ever forget that.

-mommy

i looked back up at Matt, who was trying to hold back tears and back at the paper "Matt..." i said touching his arm lightly until he collapsed on me and burst into tears. " i cant lose you like i lost her, Amy" he said crying even harder. I rubbed his back and kissed his head "I won't leave you Matt i promise" he then looked up at me and grabbed my wrist and kissed every scar. I wiped away his tears and helped him to his feet to go return to the car, he turned and said "bye mom, i love you" before walking to the car.