My Secrets. (My Self Harm, EatingDisorders, Bullied,Self hate, and Recovery)

Dieting (Eating Disorders)

What I started doing was just staying in bed all day, even when my parents came home from work, I pretended I was asleep. When they asked if I wanted to eat, or to come for dinner, I would come during the end, when basically they were done with eating, and get some food and "eat" when really I hid it in a napkin. I also would cut up my food in millions of pieces,  and always had water with me, and take sip after sip, just so I can fill myself faster.

It worked for a while, I lost a couple pounds in a few days, and I saw the difference automatically.  I lost bell fat ( my rolls) and was a size 5 in pants, unlike before where I was a size 11.

But of course, there is always complications when losing weight. My parents started getting worried about me not eating during  dinner, and losing so much weight. So they asked if I was dietibg or starving myself. Of course even when I lied that I didnt, they knew that I was because of my past with selfharming and not loving my body. So they put tge situation in their hands and forced me to eat anything and evrrything they made. They even said that they were going to make what I wanted for that day. I was tempted,  but I declined and just kept doing the whole not eating at all. I also began self harming at my fat hoping to get that blubber off.

Luckily, they didnt see any cuts during that time, but they told my therapist at the time about me not eating, and that ended in a full hour rant on why I must eat and what can happen if I dont eat and be anorexic. I just really didnt care, I just wanted to look like all the girls in my school. How they were able to wear whatever they wanted, and it would fit so nicely. I couldn't even wear a tank top without my fat hanging out of the sides.

I remember on the 4th of July I lost a total of 37 pounds, and was now 115 pounds. I loved how I looked, and didnt eat ever since the June( 26 or so) . My dad made a BBQ, and it looked delicious.  I couldn't quit, I wasnt even near my goal, I had to be 100 pounds or less. I had to.

But it looked so good. Everyone was eating, and I invited my friend so she was eating too. She asked if I was going to eat. I couldnt say no to her, she would know what I was doing. Because she herself had the same problem as me, and even starved herself. ( Now shes wayy better :) My parents overheard her asking, so they looked at me waiting fot my response. So I said yes. I thought, " what would one burger do? it wont hurt me". Well, that burger ended up in two burgers, fries, beans, three carne asadas, and a fruit smoothie. Thats when it all went downhill. Once again I was going through the same thing again. I just hated myself for what I was putting myself through. So much bullshit. So much pain, and suffering. 

( Ahhh double update what what! Hey you all, I promised I was going to write more over the summer, and I am. :) Thank you all for so much, you have no idea what it means to me, actually having someone read this story is unbelievable. I just get butterflies and get all jittery when someone likes and comments. I Love You!! I appreciate everything guys, I truly mean it. :*  update coming very soon. ) Aly ♥♡

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