Faded // Bang Chan

Chapter 11 - Alone or Lonely?

Nothing. Chan felt nothing. He shut his eyes tight and tried to clear his mind but no matter how hard he tried all he thought of was how relieved he was that he didn't feel anything. Na Ri stood wide eyed, unsure of how to react. This was by no means her first kiss but the feeling felt foreign to her. It was indescribable, neither a positive nor negative feeling, almost as though she felt nothing at all. 

She pushed him away from her and folded her arms across her chest. "What the heck was that for?" She raised an eyebrow whilst waiting for his response. "Do I need a reason to kiss someone?" Chan retaliated with a roll of his eyes. "Well, I mean..I guess not but-" She began but he cut her off. "Why are you overreacting? It's not like that's your first kiss! In fact, I bet you've done much more than that." He interrupted and she scowled. "What are you trying to say?" Na Ri raised her voice, feeling slightly offended by his remark. 

Chan paused for a moment. What was he trying to say? "I uh- I just mean that you're like...not ugly so I figured...y'know!" He explained but his attempt only caused the pair to blush. Na Ri smiled and let out a small laugh. "Is this how you call girls pretty? 'Not ugly'?" She teased him and he sighed before walking off. "Lets go home." He said without looking back to see if she was following him.

She jogged to catch up with him but neither of the two looked at one another. The silence was comfortable despite their minds being loud and crowded with thoughts. 

"Chan?" She asked once the two reached the bus stop. "Mhm?" He muttered whilst watching a group of younger boys across the street all laughing and joking around. She followed his gaze to meet the view and sighed, knowing exactly what he must be thinking about right now.  

"It's okay to feel alone. I mean I'm not much but I am here for you. You're not totally alone." She tried to cheer him up but she could tell by the cold stare in his eyes that he wasn't really comforted by her words. "Y'know, there's a difference between being alone and being lonely." He began, making eye contact with her for the first time. She remained silent, urging for him to continue on. She always found moments like this where he would open up to be so insightful. His words always seemed to carry weight and were laced with emotion and that was something she's grown to admire about him.

"The difference between being alone and being lonely is simple. You can be in a crowd full of people and feel as though you're invisible, like you don't matter at all! You wanna know what the worst part about that feeling is? It follows you around wherever you go. That's being lonely." Chan watched Na Ri as she took in what he said, hanging on his every word. She'd never been so mesmerised by anybody's words before. 

"And being alone. Being alone's not so bad. People seem to always class being alone as something bad but it's not. You can be alone but be the happiest person alive. It's all about perception. We all have a different perception of things and that's why people get labels like 'popular' or 'loser'." Chan concluded. 

"What are you then? Alone or lonely?" Na Ri asked but Chan smiled while shaking his head, dismissing her question. "You were gonna ask me something before, right? Or is the whole lonely conversation what it was about?" He dodged her question by shooting one back, knowing how easily she seems to get distracted. 

She sighed as she fought the nerves arising in her. She knew asking him was probably pointless since the chances of him answering honestly were slim but curiosity was eating her alive. "Why did you really kiss me?" 

She couldn't help but feel as though he had a reason for the seemingly spontaneous moment but hearing the answer was something she figured would be difficult. "Hey, the bus is coming." Chan clapped his hands together, completely ignoring her question. She sighed but decided letting it go for now would be best as they got on the bus to begin their journey home.