Summer After High School

23

Brian

There are moments in life when you know that your life is ruined and you can't do anything to save it. Moments, where you watch your whole life crumble before your eyes and you know that no matter what you do, things will never go back to normal. I'm seating on my bedroom floor experiencing one of those moments.

I grab my phone and send her another text. This should be the thousandth text I'm sending, she never replies any. I don't blame her, I don't even deserve a reply.

Me- Paige. I'm so sorry for what I put you through. I'd be an idiot to plead that you return to me now at this moment. But Paige, do you think, do you think sometime in the future we could have another chance?

I urgently wait to see if I'll get any reply.

Seconds pass, a few minutes pass before my phone lights up with a text.

My heart races with excitement and clenches in fear as it anticipates her response.

Paige - Don't be stupid Brian. We are done forever. There's never going to be anything between us. Now stop texting me or I'm going to block you. Just let me be!

I feel liquid brimming in my eyes, making it burn.

You see, I knew that there would never be a chance for us again. That night when I looked into her eyes, I knew. And she knew that I knew. No words were exchanged between us but the gaze we shared portrayed a thousand words. It was certain that we would never get back together. But human nature got the best of me.

Sometimes we know, we're aware that no matter what happens, a situation can't be saved. But there's this part of us that doesn't totally give in to what we already know, this part of us that want to believe a lie because totally giving in to the truth hurts. And that's what kills us, the part of us that keeps holding on to that lie disguised as hope.

That's human nature. I knew that there would never be a chance for us again but I refused to believe what I already knew. I have a feeling that, this won't even be the last time that I'll refuse to believe it.

I clutch my head as the thoughts of loosing her begins to sink in.

People will tell you that you don't really know what you have until you lose it but they won't tell you how loosing something valuable makes you feel. They won't tell you that it messes with your mind, that sometimes you feel that you're okay without it and other times when you least expect, the pain of being without it strikes you like a lightning bolt. They won't tell you how you'll constantly wish you could go back in time and change things when you realize how much you took what you lost for granted. They won't tell you about the pain that will consume your head and flow to every inch of you as you realize that you can't go back in time and change things.

People will tell you that you don't know what you have until you lose it, but they won't tell you about what happens after you lose it.

"Brian, do you want me to send your breakfast in? " Mum asks as she knocks on my room door.

Mum has replaced the nanny who brings me breakfast since the night Paige left.

I hurry to the bathroom and wash my face before asking her to send it in.

I force a smile on my face and she asks, "Brian what's wrong ?"

It's nice that she can see through my spurious smile. Paige possessed that ability too. Paige, she's gone but somehow she's still here in everything I do, every move I make.

"It's nothing Mum. I'm fine, I was just hungry. "

She sits on the bed besides me, "It is about Paige, right? Brian, do you want to tell me what really went wrong? "

I don't want to tell anyone how stupid I've been in details.

"It's nothing, mum. I messed up and lost a good girl but people learn lessons and life goes on. Besides, she's not the only girl in the world. I'm really okay."

Later, when I'm alone. I'll say those words to myself and I'll try to believe them.

"Okay Brian. But you can always talk to me you know? "

"I know mum. Don't stress okay and why are you still home? Go to work already. "

"I will," she tells me, kissing my head.

I suddenly wish I was a little kid again, free from all sort of worries. I miss those days.

"Do you want me to invite your cousin over to keep you company?"

I get that she's worried about how my room is the only place I stay in recently.  I get that she's worried that I'm lonely because I'm an only child. But really do I need company?

"It will be nice for you to have company you know? Beside, you haven't seen Tammy in a while," mum continues speaking when I don't respond.

Tammy is the only child of mum's only sibling. Technically, she's my only cousin from mum's side. We talk frequently on social media but we haven't seen recently. As much as I think it would be nice to have company to get my mind off things, I also feel that it would be nicer to be alone.

"Don't worry, mum. I promise that I'm
fine. "

I don't want to lie to her but I have to. She has to think that I'm fine, if not she would over worry and I don't want her to over worry.

"Okay Brian. Call me if you need anything okay? I'll be off to work now. "

"Bye mum. "

As she leaves, I start eating but my taste buds fail to function. I can taste nothing.
The only taste I can seem to recall is the taste of Paige lips. Then immediately, I realize I'll never get to taste those lips again. I realize again that I've lost her.

I start imaging how different things would be now, if I had resisted Daphne, if I hadn't let lust cloud my sense of reasoning. I would still have her in my arms, she'd still be mine. But I let a few minutes of lust destroy what I had with her, I let my desire for lust hurt her. I messed up with a girl that I had no desire to see again when I had a girl that I craved to see everyday. How could I have been so stupid?

The way I feel now, I never even knew it was possible for a boy to feel this way over love. When people say, boys cry too when they're in pain, I used to think they were just saying it to get sympathy. But now I totally understand because tears are rolling down my face as I recall every moment I took her for granted.

I put my hands over my mouth so that I'll be silent as I cry.