To Love Him | ✔

020

Elijah Gracia

I'm done for. Everything I've managed to build and develop, whoop, straight into the ocean. Gone.

I can't believe me. How stupid can I really be? Really Elijah? You kiss him? You kiss him now? He's clearly not prepared. Sammy is nowhere near prepared for all my feelings towards him. Why the hell did I do that?

I think I know the answer to that but still, I shouldn't have. I have no idea what's running through his mind right now. He stood frozen on my porch for a solid minute before reluctantly walking away. He's gonna punch me. The minute he sees me next, he's gonna fucking punch me.

I could help it. I couldn't resist. I have all this feelings threatening to burst out and spending time so much clearing isn't helping. It was my plan to have Sammy help me everywhere. My leg did hurt but not to the extent of needed help around and this isn't the first time I've sprained something. Clutches are like another arm extension to me.

I wanted to spend time together. To become inseparable to a level and I'm even surprised Sammy agreed to it. I expected him to refuse and call my bluff but he didn't. Everything worked. We were attached all day. I could feel his warmth around me. I could feel his biceps and at a point, his abs too. My mind was going crazy trying to imagine how he's gonna feel shirtless.

Then his face was another problem, every few moment, we'll both turn together and end up with our faces inches apart. His eyes is just enough to turn me on, talk more of his lips, studded jaw line. Perfect dirty blond hair and just everything that makes up Sammy.

Watching him tutor too was weirdly fun. Who knew intelligence was so fucking sexy. Down side was seeing him with Wilson Wong. Yes I researched the boy, sue me. I've never seen Sammy playful with anyone, he's barely playful with me even but with this Wilson boy, its different. They are nothing but I can't help the jealousy.

I want Sammy, I want him to know that I want him and I want everybody to know that too. I guess that's what drove me to kiss him, I was going for the lips but I didn't want to risk a black eye, so I went for the cheek.

I hope he let's this pass. I really hope and pray so. I can't afford not having him in my life. I would've gone for a run but I couldn't, not with my bad leg.

Well on the bright side, today made me notice how tired Sammy was. He was so tired and busy too, he didn't hear or acknowledge his growling stomach. I did. I wanted him to take a break. I wanted to take care of him. Ease his problems and make him smile all through. I'm happy I did one thing right at least today. I made him eat.

I went up to my room and looked out the window to Sammy's room. His light was off so he was either out or asleep. Maybe I'm over thinking this. Sammy is too busy to focus or remember a lame peck from a friend right? Maybe he has even already forgotten about all this.

I picked up my phone to text him but I changed my mind and decided to call. Then I changed my mind and settled on texting, then I dropped the phone, too nervous to do anything. My mind was saying all this maybes but I knew the answer. Sammy is not going to brush this.

I couldn't sleep so I busied myself with tossing a basketball up and down, to and fro. Belong long I found myself clutching down to my mums bedroom.

"Hey mum? You asleep?" I asked my head peeking through the door. She was staring at her computer but she looked up, acknowledging my presence.

"No Eli, come on in."

I walked to her sitting on the bed in silence as I thought of a way to voice my problem. Mona was a phycologists and I always tell her my problems. We talk a lot.

"What's wrong? Is it the leg?" She asked. I shook my head.

"No, worst than that."

"Speak child, I'm getting nervous."

I smiled, sighed then turn so I'll be facing her. "I like someone."

"Um...okay?"

"A dude." I cleared up, warily looking at her.

"Hmm." She said removing her closed laptop from her leg and pulling her knees to herself. "So?"

I sighed again running a hand through my hair. "I don't think he feels the same way. I mean, he doesn't seem gay and clearly a relationship is the last on his mind. Talk more of one like this."

"One like what?" Mona asked calmly.

"Like this. Like gay. Its just so toxic and-- and--"

"Wrong?" She supplied.

"No." I said sharply looking up at her. Then lowered my gaze. "Not to me it's not."

Mona smiled reaching for my hands, "Eli when did you know or feel you're gay?"

I shrugged, "I've always had this feeling you know but I was just sure some weeks ago, after we returned. When I saw the boy I have feelings for."

She smiled, "I want to squeal right now."

I chuckled. "Mom stay in, I'm talking to Mona."

She laughed, "right. Eli you can't say for sure that he's ready or not. I mean you yourself weren't sure until you saw him. You should show him what he's missing on. There is absolutely nothing wrong and complex about being gay, with love, it can never be more right."

Love?

"What if he doesn't see it that way? What if he's completely straight and ends up hating me?"

"Then he should tell you himself. Don't assume for him. Give him time, take it slowly. Be a good friend and love with all you have. I don't think we can ever find ourselves in situations we can't handle. Respect his decisions though. No means no."

I sighed freeing my hand from his. "Well, I think I did something stupid. I kissed him. Well pecked, on the cheek."

"Hmm, if you think its time then confess your feelings. If you don't think it's time, then you can just play it off. A kiss on the cheek is nothing to fuss about."

I sighed again finally feeling a bit relived. "Thanks mum."

"You really like him?"

"So much." I answered with a nod.

"Oh baby don't worry, it'll all work out. Sammy's a good kid."

"Sammy?" I asked surprised.

"Oops. Did I say that out loud?"

By the time I was out of  Mona's room, the rain was already falling heavily outside. I made my way back to my window to check on Sammy, he's light was still off.

I'll talk to him tomorrow. I'm not ready to confess anything so I'll just have to play it off. I hope it works out.

The other day Sammy said he remembered everything. I can't help but wonder if everything also includes our first kiss.

Well, I can never forget it. And if Sammy has, he'd definitely remember now.

The kiss that almost made me lose my mind.

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Dun dun dun

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