growing wings | Completed

58. there's a ringing in my ear, i call it silence

      there's a ringing in my ear, i call it silence.

            but then there was the bells of heaven, loud and clear,

                  like ripples in a calm stream of water.

      but i am not at home. i am not in an empty room.

            voices of others overlap, harmoniously chaotic,

                  i make my way behind a building, hands tight around my phone.

        answering it, i can feel my heart stop and my blood run cold.

       "ezra,"

              "yeah?"

       "we still on for next month with jasmine and caspar?"

               "of course."

        "schools been rough, especially with finals coming up, huh?"

              "yeah..... yeah that's right."

       and then a pause of breath. 

           like gears working in a clock, they turn and twists, rust falling off,

              she asks in the softest of voices, i could've barely heard it.

        "how've you been? give me an honest answer, though."

        and then all that stood strong in the world broke,

            first a crack, and then a kick and then fire erupted everywhere, burning my heart,

               it was like my rib caved in, and collapsed in itself, and just like that, i forgot how to breathe.

   

        maybe it had been an eternity or several years, but swallowing the lump of words caught in my throat,

            i could finally talk. yet the silence had been for too long.

            "i think you can tell i haven't been doing too well," my voice cracked, raw with emotion, like a fresh wound, still bleeding and burning up.

                   fingers in a fist, white knuckles, anger settles in my stomach like acid,

                           and the frustration that knots up into my veins feels like it was clouding my mind.

            "i'm so sorry, ezra, i wish i could help you but you don't.... you don't let me help you," she was frustrated, but as was i.

                   "it's fine. i'll talk to you later, though."

                         "ezra, if not me, you have to let someone help you. okay?"

            does she not understand that i wish for everything in the world for her to be able to help me but, the words choke at my throat and i despise every fibre of my being and hate that i cannot help but feel weak and to feel weak is misery filled to the brim of a cup and drinking it, the sour taste that settles in my mouth fills me up with the sickening feelings of nausea that seems to be all too familiar and maybe if i could unwind these gears and clean off the rust but the rust is toxic and everything i am is toxic and each breathe i take is poisonous to both me and everyone around.

- there's a ringing in my ear, i call it silence