F.A.F // H2OVanoss [Completed]

Chapter 24

"Morning, sweetie." Evan's mother greets him as he stumbles into the kitchen, clearing wanting to sleep more. "Rough night?" She asks as he sits down at the table, a look of confusion as he realizes that his mother is actually cooking. "I'll be home for a few days this time." She smiles, and so does he.

"Morning." He speaks quietly, a distant, faraway look in his eyes. "I did have a pretty rough night, how did you sleep?" Evan always did this to his mom, tried to divert the attention away from him, and the only person who the two could pay attention to was her.

"I slept fine." Silence falls between them, Evan checks the time. "Why don't you tell me what's wrong, Ev?" His mother finally asks, and once again he's silent. "I saw the pills, you don't take them unless you've had a really bad day. What's wron-"

"There was a sleepover. He was there. I was stupid. I kissed him." Evan spoke, cutting off his mother. "It was a mistake, he said that we should just be friends, I was so stupid, mom, so stupid." His mother is silent as she turns off the stove and walks over to her distraught son. "It hurts, mom." He whispers from his mother's arm, twisting so that he can hug her too, soon they were wrapped in one another's arms. "It hurts."

"I know, sweetie, I know it does. I wish I could help you, Ev. I wish I could." They stay like that for a while, until she finally speaks. "Was it what you always imagined, kissing him, did it feel like you wanted it to feel?"

"It felt better. That's why it hurts."

------

His smile hurts to wear, the way he acts brightly and happy and jokes and laughs and his smile just physically hurt him, but he dealt with it.

"So, what happened at that sleepover, dude? Your mood has changed like three times." Tyler tilts his head, looking at Evan with concern, their friends all wanting to look at something outside-some graffiti or something- that the two weren't interested in.

"Nothing to be concerned about Tyler." Evan replied without hesitation. "Nothing happened, which was fine, then sort of frustrating, but it's okay." He grins, lying to him. "It's gonna work out in the end."

Tyler grins as well, a certain look in his eyes that Evan couldn't quite place, but he was almost certain it was confidence. "I know it will, Evan, I believe in you. Of course it's gonna work out."

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you'll take my smile
it's gonna hurt for quite a while
trust me, I know
i have been hurt like this before

you can ask me who hurt me
and I'll lie when I say I don't know
I'll lie when I tell you I'll be okay

being okay is such a foreign concept,
living an adventurous life like me
knowing the ruins of unrequited
like the back of my own hand

------------

I think my problem is that I think too fast
or maybe I think too slow
or a painful in-between of the two

too fast to let an opportunity slip past me
too slow to realize the consequences
but i still roll with the punches
let the waves guide me where they will

maybe it's my emotions, the way I feel
overwhelmed, stressed, anxious
the intensity consumes me
so overwhelmed that I do as I'm told
too stressed to let myself break down
too anxious to tell anyone the truth

it always come down to that,
my thoughts,
the most dangerous part of my personality
explosive, destructive, intense, overlapping
all because of you

or,
just the thought of you

-------------

you'll never love me,
because no one can love a liar

well,
no one as perfect as you

It was so hard to not delete the poems, which he felt were terrible and if anyone were to read them they would immediately mock him. Then, they would realize how much of a liar he is. His life would unravel right before his eyes without him being able to stop it. Instead of pressing the backspace key, he saves his work, knowing that it would look great amongst the other love poems him and Jonathan had stockpiled together for this project.

Jonathan. All his thoughts circle back to him, it seems, no matter how hard he tries to stop. Writing had cleared his head just a bit, but the storm clouds still found him, circling his happy thoughts until they sunk with the heavy rain.

Regrets clouded him, the stupid decision of letting his guard down, of letting his feelings show for a brief moment of time, the memories haunted him. His decisions following him around like the grim reaper, ready to collect him at any given moment, ready to take him away and pull him down into the center of hell.

How could he be so careless, to kiss the boy like that? In the dark, pressed against the wall as he lay crumpled in his arms, in what world would he ever believe it was a good idea to kiss him? It was clear the feelings were not returned, yet Evan had forced them onto Jonathan, kissing him with such an obvious need for attention, an obvious need for him in particular. His fingers had curled into his hair like they did in all the movies, Jonathan's arms positioned on his torso awkwardly, since the two had been previously hugging. How could he think that kissing him was a rational decision? Why, oh why did he have to kiss him?

Three pills sat next to him on his desk, taunting him, waiting for him to give in, the whole bottle was back in its original place, the bathroom cabinet. He didn't know that his mother had seen them on his nightstand, he thought he was safe. His computer was now shut, too weak with emotion to continue with his work, any more soul-searching poetry would bring him to tears, and he'd be begging himself for the pills. He wouldn't give him, he couldn't. He was stronger than that, he knew he was.

Evan's phone vibrates, and he spirals back down.

Jonathan: hey Evan! I wanted to come over for another poetry writing session, but I just wanted to make sure it was okay. After these past few days, I understand if you want to keep your distance, I know I upset you

He can't control his emotions, they're too intense as anger washes over him, reading the text and actually hurting over how much control Jonathan was realizing he had over Evan. It must be entertaining to see him struggle, Evan thought, to know that a few simple texts could destroy him so much, could swing his mood so ferociously.

Evan's eyes flicker to the pills, his phone crashes to the floor as he dives for them, clutching them in his hand as he lays, curled up on the floor. He forces the pills into his mouth and down his throat, swallowing them with relief. It was bad for him, he was getting worse, but it felt so nice to know there was a temporary remedy to his madness.

Evan: sure, you're welcome anytime :)

He would never let Jonathan hold that much power over him.