F.A.F // H2OVanoss [Completed]

Chapter 43

Warning: possible triggers

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Craig: Evan are you okay

Craig: fucking answer me damnit

Craig: what did Tyler do to you, luke said that he put something in your drink

Craig: where are you

Craig: Evan

Craig: we're going to your house

Evan heaved for breath as he reaches his front door, reading the messages on his phone as he stumbles up to his room, his head spinning from the combination of running and the drugs in his system. Entering his room, he digs through a stack of papers to find the right ones, he lays it on the bed along with a CD, the words 'listen to me' written in permanent marker across its surface. He still can't breathe, but he realizes he doesn't need to.

He sends two texts.

Evan: Jonathan I'm so sorry for everything I put you through I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry and I don't expect you to forgive me but I love you so much I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

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Evan: guys I'm sorry for being me and being a fuck up and being a bad influence or whatever the fuck. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry and I love you guys, I'm sorry.

His arm stings as he makes three fresh new cuts, shoving his almost empty bottle of antidepressants into his pocket before tossing his phone onto the bed and going back downstairs, slipping through the back door.

No one should have to live like this.

He starts his walk into the woods, blood soaking his sleeve and his pills sounding like a maraca in his pocket as he walks. He thinks back to the words written on the note he had left on his bed.

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I'm sorry. That's the only thing to say really. Because that's the only truth I can tell without feeling panicked or scared or most negative emotions. So yeah, I'm sorry.

Sorry, I didn't live for graduation.

Sorry, I didn't live to see my essay grade.

Sorry, I didn't live to patch things up with Jonathan. I'm sorry that the only thing that encouraged me to actually talk to you was some stupid bet that Tyler conned me into, but the bet was never important to me, Jon, I've always loved you. I will always love you. I'm sorry.

Sorry, I didn't live to see my mom come home one last time. I'm so sorry, Mom, but we both lead very different lives, and they end in very different places.

I'm sorry to whoever reads this and knows me personally, because I'm sure you're confused as all hell. To my friends, they only know of the anxiety, to my mom, she only knows about the depression. Jonathan knows about my painful mix of the two.

I didn't want to write this note, but I have to, because if I don't write it then I'll have nothing to give people closure with. In my eyes, writing this note meant that it would be final, I didn't want it to be final, until I did.

The last Saturday of winter break was a very significant reason for this, if Tyler is reading this, you'll know why. If anyone else is reading this, then listen to the CD to figure it all out.

If you listen to it, you'll know exactly why I can't go on. I've made horrible decisions and in turn the universe has decided to punish me. But, I'll do the universe a huge favor and just get rid of myself.

I'm sorry for wasting your time as you read this note.

I'm sorry that you ever met me.

I'm sorry that I'm such a fuckup.

I'm sorry for letting go so easily.

P.S. I hate you, Tyler, you ruined my life

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His tornado of emotions burned him on the inside and out, desensitizing him and making him suffer a punishment worse than death as he still heaved for breath as he reached his spot in the woods. It was peaceful, just like he had always wanted it to be when he died.

There was a tree that was relatively easy-looking to climb, he had always wanted to climb a tree, now would be his chance. His head was still fuzzy from whatever Tyler had put in his drink, but he didn't care, everything would be better soon. No more pain, no more suffering or panic attacks or depression or lies. Evan wouldn't have to keep lying to the people he was closest to, like his friends.

At least, Evan would have died having two boyfriends, even if the way he had gotten both of them was kinda fucked up, but Evan didn't care, he was about to die. He laughed, his voice hollow and with no emotion as he stood up on a sturdy branch, looking down into the peaceful waters.

The pills shook in his pocket.

"It'll be okay, you'll be okay, Evan. Just don't think about what you're doing, think about why you're doing it." He takes a small step forward, catching a glimpse of the portion of his sleeved that was soaked in blood. His hands gripped the branch above him to keep him balanced, his head was still fuzzy as he finally stopped, just a single step away from falling.

One of his hands stayed on the branch while he pulled the small bottle from his pocket. He couldn't live like this, he couldn't. He lets go momentarily and fumbles as he opens the bottle, nearly falling off, a few pills dropping into the water below him. Evan takes a few of them himself before closing the bottle and tossing it as far as he could. He takes a few seconds for the pills to start working, his knees begin to shake and a few tears snake down his cheek.

"It's okay." He lies to himself, preparing to feel the cold water greet him. "You're okay." His vision blurs and pain greets him before the water does. Emotion builds up in his mind and soon he can no longer take it. "It's okay."

He walks forward.

The water is cold.

The silence was colder.