Broken Love [COMPLETED BUT EDITING]

Chapter 34: Depression

I spend a lot of my time thinking about James. And he loves to annoy me. He knows exactly what to say to leave me flustered. He mentions his abs, his body to me and my stomach plummets. He tells me how he loves me. How he wants to just press me into a wall and kiss me so hard but he can't. I love his shyness but sometimes all I want to do is tell him to just kiss me already. 

Never had I expected to feel this way.

And we have five days left. Five fucking days. 

Do you know that feeling you get sometimes? That feeling that something is burrowing its way into your heart and ripping it apart from the inside out? A feeling of sadness, a feeling of hurt and anger.

I feel like that more and more often nowadays. I kept saying I was just sad James is leaving and Will is in love with me..but I'm starting to think I'm actually depressed.

It's become so hard to even smile properly. It's been a while since I've smiled a real smile, with not regrets, no hidden fears or sorrows. It's been a while since I've truly felt content. I keep worrying about things, keep stressing. I keep wondering what ifs.

What if James didn't leave?

What if I'd never met James?

What if Will had liked me back in the beginning?

What if I'd gone to Harrison?

What if I'd met James in the beginning?

All of this thinking was driving me insane. And to top it all off I had to take regents and finals. I felt like I was drowning. And there was no one to pull me out.

I finally realized. It finally hit me. Last night James was studying so I couldn't text him. When he leaves, that's going to happen more and more often until we stop texting. It's going to be so hard to listen to people talking about guys, crushes, knowing the guy I love is at some other school.

Last night, I felt like there was this pressure on my chest. I felt like I couldn't breathe. And I was trying to study. But I couldn't. Luckily my parents weren't home, just my aunt and sister. 

The only thing that seemed to help me were bhajans. That aching pain was there, but listening to the sound of God helped me. This constant chaos in my brain needed to end, and so I prayed to Bhagwan. I was in desperate need of a mediation, but how was I supposed to do that when my family was always pestering me? And what was I supposed to tell them if they asked. As religious as they are, they'd think something was wrong, especially my mom.

Today was too much for me. I left homework at home. I didn't pay attention. I couldn't do any work. I didn't do my homework. Even Ms. Ardon and my global teacher, Mr. Fickks noticed. 

I used to complain about Mr. Fickks but he offered me support today when he saw my tears. You see I walked into last period crying and I wrote a note to Sarah explaining why. But Mr. Fickks saw and took the note. He read it and after class told me if I ever needed to talk he was there. Of course Will saw what happened and asked me. I pointed to James's empty desk as I walked out of class and Will nodded knowingly. And Mr.Ficcks saw and said, "Oh now I get it." Because on the note I'd used a codename.

James was so busy doing homework and tests that we didn't even say a word to each other all day. I didn't get to hug him, or hold his hand. I craved his comforting warmth more than anything. I needed him to hug me and say that everything was right in the world. But I couldn't ask him to forsake his school work for me. Even if I would for him. 

Love is all about sacrifice right? I never truly understood that until today. But I didn't realize that included a constant aching in your heart. Every moment I want to cry out in anger and pain. I wish he would just fucking stay but he can't. Duties to family are sometimes so important you have to give up even those you love. And you became so used to it that it doesn't hurt you..it hurts the person you love.

Life is fucked up. It gives you things to love and cherish and then takes it from you. As a Hindu, I know that it all has its purpose. Bhagwan doesn't punish. He teaches us what to do and not to do, like in the Ramayana, the Mahabharata, the Bhagavad Gita. 

I want to do something constructive, something that takes up my time so that I don't have to break down over James. 

Thought this was going to be like a Wattpad story where the problems are solved and the girl and guy end up happily together forever? 

Sorry this ain't for you then because this story is real, this is real life. and in real life there aren't always happy endings. Not for me at least.