Broken Love [COMPLETED BUT EDITING]

Chapter 36: Unworthy

One more day. So much has happened in the last two days. 

I sat in geometry, crying because I had conflicted feelings. I couldn't even look James in the eye because I was guilty. I was so fucking guilty. I had turned to another for comfort. But James and Will sat by me but didn't say much. I didn't know how to tell them what had happened. How was I supposed to tell the two people who trusted me, who thought I was a good person that I let my old feelings for someone else resurface? But next thing I know, Edward is sitting next to me, annoying me and trying to cheer me up. 

"Why you crying Meera?"

"Go away Ed."

"No stop crying."

"leave me alone."

Ed turned to James. "isn't she your girl? Talk to her."

But James didn't know what to say. "You always tell me and Will not to judge you so I'm telling you the same. We're not going to judge you. Tell me what's wrong."

I was frustrated and conflicted. "I can't."

Ed said, "What did you do? Is it going to make James mad?"

"Yes."

Will came next to me and whispered, "A guy who you like or something?"

I looked up at him in shame and shock. "Yea, Matthew."

"I figured as much. You make it obvious."

"Only to you."

During James's and I's walk, I confessed to James that I liked Matthew (Prem if you don't remember). He told me to go for it. James, being the amazing person he was told me, "I'm leaving. If you like him go for it. You told the same thing. You have more hope with him. I'm not stopping you."

I paced the hall explaining to him. "I mean I talked to him yesterday and it's like my old feelings just started bubbling back up. I don't know if I like him more than you."

James was understanding and let it be. He didn't yell, or act angry. He was calm as usual. As he walked back to class I realized that I was trying to take the easy way out. My mind was trying to make me like Prem again so that I didn't have to feel so heartbroken when he was gone. It would be easier even if Prem didn't like me back. This was how I normally got over guys. 

So why wouldn't my heart let me? My mind was all for it. But my heart wanted something else. But James didn't see that. he didn't know that I felt the way I did. He didn't know I picked him over the other guys. 

When I returned to school the next day, he kept his distance. And I felt horrible. I thought he had given up on me. When I needed someone to comfort me, it wasn't James. It was someone else. When I needed him most he wasn't there. 

During clubs I walked the halls, listening to Shawn Mendes because who doesn't love Shawn right? And I was alone and for once I needed not a friend. I didn't cry for attention. I cried because my heart was broken. Because mistakes had been made and I didn't know how to fix it. At lunch I cried and cried and listened to depressing music. I told Sarah, "I should be able to say getting in trouble with my parents because of James was worth it. But it doesn't seem that way. he's supposed to be here comforting me, even if we have a final next class. I know I'm being selfish but I'm fucking dying and he doesn't care. How much can he study in thirty minutes?"

"If he doesn't make an effort he isn't worth it, Meera. He doesn't know how to be a boyfriend yet. He doesn't show his feelings."

"It's not his fault. He's shy, I get that. but I've always prioritized him. I try to. He's never shown much effort, no matter how shy he is. If he cared he'd be here .." I couldn't trust my voice anymore. I was a broken girl. And I didn't have Ed or Will next period to cheer me up like they had the day before. 

During our supposed walk, James had left early and couldn't walk with me. I was alone again. I wasn't supposed to feel this loneliness anymore. He was supposed to fill that hole. But he was leaving and this was just a practice for the years to come, in a way. But still, he was supposed to fucking be there for me. But instead I broke down in a bathroom, crying like someone had tried to murder me. No one knew that I spent half an hour crying on the bathroom floor. No one saw how broken I was. Not even my best friends. 

and I wasn't just crying because James was leaving. I was crying because my parents were overly disappointed in me. They had given up on trying to help me. I was crying because my dad, who had trusted me no matter what happened, cried because his daughter was throwing away her values and future. 

I was crying because I screwed up what I had with James because I was too weak to stand up against the odds, against the obstacles life had thrown me. 

I was crying because he was supposed to be the one who was holding me right now when I was down.

I was crying because I thought I could depend on Prem to be my best friend, to be the one who represented my values and family. 

I was crying because my entire life was changing, and every hardship I was going through was my fault. 

I was crying because I would have to put up this mask when I got home. I couldn't act depressed or heartbroken. 

And even though my friends were there. Even though they supported me and comforted me, only James could put my sorrow and guilt to rest. Only he could take out the shattered pieces of my heart that I had cut myself with. Only he could heal me. But he wasn't there.  

And it wasn't his fault. He thought I liked Prem, not him. He thought I was done with him not the other way around.

And by the time I had realized that, the last bell had rung, and we had one more day of school. I couldn't see him tomorrow to explain my real feelings because it was a weekend. I'd have to wait until Monday. I'd have to let these things hurt me and tear at me until Monday. Until I could explain things to James, until I could beg for his forgiveness even though I didn't deserve it. 

This pain I was feeling, this heartache was my own doing. I've always said I'm not a good person, and I was right. In a moment of hardship I tried to take the easy way out, but I shouldn't have. I didn't deserve James. But I didn't want to let go.

But maybe he did. Maybe he distanced himself because he wants to let go of me. 

But no matter what he did, no matter what happened. I still couldn't deny that I was still in love with him.Sure I have a past with Prem, with Edward. But none of then are him. No guy made my heart fumble the way James did. 

I've never felt so much regret. And the funny thing is, all I wanted was love. And I got it. But it wasn't enough. I wanted easy love. But there's no such thing. And just as unexpected as it comes, just as quickly it goes.

James, you know who you are. And I know you probably won't ever read this because you hate Meera, but she's sorry. She is absolutely sorry. She loves you. She's just stupid. Really stupid. Please please please forgive her.