Broken Love [COMPLETED BUT EDITING]

Chapter 39: The real end

The last day came and went. His birthday. Sitting here, two days later pretending to read...

I walked into school that day.  I looked around, and found my friends in a corner. Vanessa had brought a gift I had wanted for James. I told her a hundred things about James that I loved. She wrote them on individual pieces of paper and put them in a jar. I pulled out a card that had taken me ages and lots of sneaking to write. I waited and waited for James to show up.

And when he did, my heart started pounding and I got so nervous. But stupid James had to be busy talking to Will about the exam. I wanted to drag him into a corner and give him the gift. I wanted t o wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I was going to miss him. But I didn't. Why? 

Why didn't I? 

Because no matter how much I claim I'm mature and I say I'm so experienced with guys...I'm not. No matter how confident and out-going I seem I'm not

We weren't ready for a relationship. We needed time to adjust to being friends first. We needed time to develop our feelings properly, and maybe, eventually he would've asked me without me having to say a word. but we didn't have time. He had to leave, and he did.

That day, I didn't even have the courage to kiss him again. He had gotten me chocolates. It was this gorgeous blue gift bag with golden tissue paper. It was so fucking gorgeous. It was so ...me. I didn't really know how well this boy knew me. Though he didn't show it, I feel like James knows me better than anyone. He knows what I like, what I don't like. He can read my expressions, even if he doesn't understand them. I wish he had been faster to trust me so I could reciprocate. But I'm not going to lie. I don't know him, not as well as he knows me. 

That day, all I did was hug him. I hugged him and walked away. It hurt so much. And the worst part was I had to put on a smile when I got to my mom's car. Too soon was I pretending to be happy again. 

My old friends met up that day, and I desperately wanted to be with them just so I didn't have to pretend, just so I could feel a distraction. Thankfully all this moving was distracting me. Left alone with my thoughts...it was as though I could hear my heart aching. 

I couldn't even kiss him good-bye. I was so nervous, so scared, so sad. 

Sitting here alone with my thoughts, I miss him. I miss school. And I'm going to miss what I associated with school. I miss constantly checking the time, waiting for lunch so I could be with James. I'll miss sitting outside, sun beating down, trees swaying in the slight breeze, the red benches gleaming. My book bag on one bench, Sarah opposite me. We'd talk and occasionally glance at the doors waiting for Will and James to come to lunch. I'd glance down at my phone, praying that they wouldn't text me and say they couldn't come. I'd listen to my Bollywood music or Shawn Mendes, waiting. 

I always seemed to be doing that. At first, waiting for a guy to finally like me back. And when he did, I waited for him to ask me out. And from there it escalated. Waiting to pass James in the hall. Waiting for him to catch what I wanted him to say. Waiting for the day I'd have the courage to really kiss him. I guess I waited too long for that last one. 

I'm going to miss him. I'm going to miss freshmen year. I'll still be in the same school, with most of the same people even if I have different teachers, a different schedule. If this is hard for me, I can only imagine how James feels. I think that's what keeps me going right now. The fact that he might feel worse than me. He'll be fine. He'll probably be great.

I'm just scared because the break-up's going to come eventually and he's going to be the one to break up with me because I'd never be able to hurt him. I'd never be able to say I don't like you that way anymore. even if someday it might be true. He's the first. And god if he could be the only I'd be happy. But it could never be that way.

But no matter what I do love him. He can say anything he wants. He can say we don't know each other well enough, or we haven't known each other long enough. I do love him. And I do know I'm in love with him. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have said all the things I did. I wouldn't have pushed the way I did. I wouldn't have held on. I wouldn't have done the things I did. 

It's real when it sticks in your mind and soul. It will keep coming back to you, no matter how hard you try and forget. That's how you know it's love.

There are some things you just know. The sky is blue, grass is green. When you love someone, it's with that same automatic instinct. It wasn't love at first sight. No, it took time. For me it was love when I began to know him. In a way I could say I'm Mr. Darcy. He wasn't handsome enough to tempt me at first. but back then I wasn't paying attention to James. My attention was still on those insufferable jerks. 

But when I began to know James...."I was half way before I knew it had begun." I know what I'm quoting.

I know that last day, when I turned back as I walked out of school wasn't the last day I see James. I will see him again. 

"You can't just give up on someone because the situation's not ideal. Great relationships aren't great because they have no problems. They're great because both people care enough about the other person to find a way to make it work."

No matter how broken I felt.