Broken Love [COMPLETED BUT EDITING]

Chapter 32: Ten

Ten days left. That's all the time I had. Every time I think about it my heart hurts. Sometimes I wonder if other people can hear the cries it makes. 

Everyone keeps asking me what's going to happen when James leaves. Are we going to break up? People keep saying "Oh yea, James you have ten more days here."

I stay quiet and joke around. My smile stays on my face. But look into my eyes closely and you'll see the ache. You'll see the sorrow. You'll see the chasm in my heart. Of course I'd have the luck to have James by my side, to have someone who loves and supports me. But something had to ruin it. And it wasn't just him leaving

William, my best friend, James's cousin, was in love with me.

Let me explain. Within two weeks of dating, James texts me one night that Will likes me. I closely watched Will, pretending I was clueless. I persistently asked him what was wrong but he refused to tell me. But eventually he told James to tell me and from there things were ok.

Sure it was a little awkward, but Will was my best friend. I'd be there for him, and help me. No matter what. The weirdest part for me was that James and Will are family. It's weird thinking how close they are and how they both like me.

and then after our school trip, Will says he's in love with me.

I just wish he didn't feel the way he did. Because it's unrequited, and it always will be. Even if someday I do like him in that way I wouldn't date him because I dated James. There's this respect that I have for both of them that I just can't put at risk. I don't want what happened to me and Vanessa during the Steven issues to happen to them.

It's not like I don't know exactly what Will is going through. I do. And thats why I want Will to understand that I can help him. I don't care that he likes me, or loves me. I care for him..like a brother. I want to be able to help him, support him, guide him, and protect him.

But I could never see myself doing the things I do with James, the way I feel about James, with Will. Maybe I used to but not anymore. 

James took up my entire heart. Or at least the part that falls in love. 

Its funny how the guy I'm in love with is leaving, and the one whose in love with me is staying. 

When I first got close to Will and James, that ache that had permanently drilled itself into my heart had disappeared. But now, it's returned now more than ever. But I guess after so many heartbreaks, so many heartaches, I guess I'm used to it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. 

normally the whole "my best friend is in love with me thing" would bother me but I have this other giant problem that I don't have time to worry about that. 

This was supposed to be my happy ending. This was supposed to be that moment, that relationship where we both fall. This was supposed to be filled with happy memories to tell my kids when I'm old. But even though those happy memories are there, that overlying sadness is there, always lingering in the back of my mind, in my heart.

I keep telling everyone its fine, that it doesn't matter. But it does so much. I want him to stay. I want to scream at my parents to let me go out. I want to see him every day. I want him to hug me and say, "I'm not leaving."

I dream about it every day. And when I wake up the next morning, I break down in tears remembering that it's all a joke, a dream. It's not real. He's not staying.

This was supposed to be different. He was the kindest, most loving, most amazing guy I've ever met. But I can't keep him.  We can try, and I'll always love him. But how long will it last before one of us moves on or gives up? I can barely go a few days without seeing him before I go crazy. I'm going to have to do that for weeks or months at a time. 

I tried to stay away...but I love him, and I did even when I thought I didn't. Something drew me to him that I couldn't resist. Why couldn't I stay away? It would've saved me so much heartache.

but I would've never known how it feels to see someone look at you with the same love you feel for them. I wouldn't have known what it was like to have someone hold me in their arms and tell me everything was gonna be ok. I didn't know how it felt to be held so tightly it felt like all of my broken pieces were put back together, even if it was only for a minute.

I read these "notes" we leave for each other and I doubt James knows this but I reread his few notes every day. I'm used to writing long rants so he probably skims mine once. But James is and has always been a shy, quiet guy and I fell in love with that. But I've always been the type of girl who likes to know. So when I read these beautiful revealing pieces of writing that he leave for me, I lose more of myself to him.

Each day my heart breaks a little bit more knowing how close I am to losing him. I think back to September and I wonder how the hell I didn't fall for him, or even notice him back then. I remember noticing Will, but not realizing that my soon-to-be first boyfriend was standing next to Will the entire time...

And to think I wasted time chasing after Evan, and Charlie and Edward! Especially Edward. If I had spent that time with James...things would be so fucking different.

I would say more but if I do I'll break down in tears for the hundredth time. And I'm fucking tired of it all. I just want to leave, to go so far from everything with only my best friends by my side. Even if i miss my home, knowing I will. I just need a few weeks away from all my worries and responsibility. 

J, idk if you'll read this but when u do, tell me. the next time you see me after you read this, kiss me and hug me plz. I'm going to need it.

to readers other than J, how y'all liking the story??? This is the longest chapter (I think) Comment and vote! Thnxxx