03| psychological pain

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"Sometimes home isn't four walls, it's 2 eyes and a heartbeat." - The Minds Journal

Ian was staring at me with his same caring blue eyes that I never forgot about, even after four years. They were begging me to say or do something, to react in any way. I genuinely just didn't know what I wanted to say or do.

   "Can we talk?" He asked softly, locking his gaze with mine.

   "I — uh... one second." I turned my back to Ian and, momentarily, stood there, trying to fully soak in the fact he was home.

   I approached Cara behind the counter, holding onto her arm as if it were my only grip to reality right now.

   "Talk to him, Jos. I'll call one of the twins over to cover for you."

   "Are you sure?" I was unable to focus on Cara with Ian standing only a few feet away.

   "Go," she insisted.

   Before I returned to Ian's side, I sucked in a deep breath and prepared myself for this moment that I have been waiting four years for.

   Despite moving on to Joel in this past year, Ian was my first love and he will always have a specially reserved spot in my heart. I'll always love him for everything he's done and everything he will do.

   "Do you want to go down to the beach?" I asked.

   The same place he told me he was going to be leaving for the next four years.

   Ian simply nodded in agreement, and we started walking side by side with some space between us.

   "I see Mr. Westchester finally built that lounge he spent so many years talking about," he pointed out with a small smile.

   Westchester hasn't undergone many improvements since Ian's departure, besides the lounge. He was right, Mr. Westchester would always talk about how he wanted a space where people could come to study or relax that didn't have screaming kids all around. He finally had it built two years ago. It's been a major success.

   "He loves it."

While Ian was busy examining the few changes that have been to Westchester since he left, I studied his features. Ian's hair is now shorter and actually styled compared to the floppy mess it was before he left. All of his other basic features remained the same, except he looked older, like matured. My crazy Ian Miller was matured; it was a crazy thought.

His build had changed, too, but that was kind of a given. You can't just spend four years fighting in the army overseas and not gain any muscle.

"I ran into Kaila at the ice cream parlor," Ian mentioned as we made it down to the beach. There were two beach chairs already placed out next to each other, facing the horizon, so we occupied them.

"Really?" I smiled softly.

Ever since 7th grade, Ian, Mason, Kaila, and I have been close friends. Kaila was sad to see Ian go, too. We all were. Sending Ian away to MIT was one thing, but sending him to war... it was a whole new game plan.

"She was surprised for sure," he smiled, too, taking his sandals off to feel the sand between his feet. "She told me about your boyfriend."

I wasn't doing anything besides watching the water break at the shore, yet I still stopped everything I was doing. Including breathing, but only momentarily.

His tone was sad, but understanding. I mean, he has to understand. It's been four years. I couldn't just sit and wait for him to return.

"Yeah," I nodded, staring at me feet now. I shouldn't feel guilty right now, yet I do.

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