Been Here All Along

40| defense

"Now close your eyes and please undertsand that you are still young, and the universe is endless, and somehow, everything will be okay."  - Tullipsink

We are all aware that there are millions of people involved in the armed forces, putting their lives at stake every single day. Every single person that is in the army has loved ones who miss them every single day that they are gone, and pray to a God they might not even believe in that their loved one will make it out alive. As dangerous as it is, we never expect our loved one to be one to not actually survive. We always expect him or her to come back home and continue on with their life, but that isn't always the case.

People die every single day, but we can never anticipate the death of someone we love.

"Josie," Kaila nudged me softly.

"I can't do it, Kaila." Viewing begins in only an hour and I haven't even been able to pull myself out of bed yet. If I get up, it's accepting that every day I live from now on will be without Ian.

I can't do that, I am not ready to accept that.

"Come on, Jos, I know this is so hard for you. I wish I could make it better, but I can't. We have to go soon. For Ian."

"I can't accept this." Although, it really didn't make a difference because I can not change it.

"I know you don't want to, but you have to. We all do." I closed my eyes for a second, letting her words sink in. I have to accept this, she's right.

I flipped the covers off of my body and slowly got up. Kaila squeezed my hand to reassure me I'd be able to get through this, and I went to the shower.

Truthfully, I don't know if I will be able to make it through today, but I have to try for Ian.

I showered slowly, despite time moving fast and the beginning of the viewing approaching quickly.

After showering, I put on a simple black dress with black heels. While we waited for my hair to dry, Kaila did my makeup. Normally I'd do my own, but I didn't want to today. All I can think about is the eulogy I will be speaking in regards of Ian this afternoon.

I spent the past two days perfecting it, giving it all of my time and energy. And cried throughout the whole process.

"Ready?" The only response I could give her was a blank spare. "Stupid question, sorry." Kaila grabbed her car keys and we left to go to Ian Miller's funeral viewing that started ten minutes ago.

Mrs. Miller told me that I didn't have to go for the whole duration if I couldn't bring myself to, but I have to. I need to. For him.

"You're going to be alright, Josie," Kaila said. Her voice was quiet and if the radio was on at all, I probably wouldn't have heard her. I didn't reply, but I soaked in the comment.

I wonder if it's true, if I will be alright again one day. It took me two years to be alright again after he left the first time, and he was still alive then. Who knows how long it will take me to be alright again, knowing I'd seen him for the last time on December 23rd.

Kaila pulled into an open parking space in the parking lot of the funeral home. It's time.

We both stepped out of the car and made our way inside of the home hand-in-hand, just like we did on our first day of first grade.

We had been so scared for our first day of school, where we no longer would have nap time and we would have to learn how to read. It seemed easier taking on the challenge side-by-side, hand-in-hand. I remember feeling like nothing could drag me down as long as I had Kaila.