Been Here All Along

14| over

"I wanna hold you when I'm not supposed to, when I'm lying close to someone else." - Selena Gomez

   Three days ago, I swore to Kaila there was nothing going on between Ian and I, and there never would be. Then a couple hours later, I got too close to kissing him. Now it's been three days since I've spoken to Ian, and Joel is supposed to come home today.

I didn't want to tell Kaila she was right that I wasn't thinking everything through, but she's my best friend and I had to. Plus, with how distraught I was, she wouldn't have let it go until I told her anyway.

Like the amazing friend she is, she didn't tell me "I told you so" until I was settled down.

"What am I going to do?" I asked Kaila the question I've been asking myself for three days now. Joel will be home in two hours and I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't think I can look him in the eye without telling him what nearly happened.

And even if I could, it still wouldn't be right. I know for a fact now that I am still in love with Ian, and, although I love Joel, it's not fair to him that I am in the middle like I am.

   "Honestly, Jos," she put her hand on my shoulder, "I think you should just tell him the truth. It won't be easy, but I think you need to."

   It amazes me that Kaila has never been in a long term relationship because she has given me the best relationship advice since I was 13. I don't know where I'd be without her.

   So that's the plan, I guess. I tell Joel that Ian and I almost kissed and that it unraveled feelings for Ian that I managed to hide over the years. Then I pray Joel doesn't hate me.

   I'll understand that we probably won't be able to stay together after this self discovery, but I don't want to lose Joel altogether. I really do love him; he's an amazing man that deserves so much.

   From behind the counter at the cafe, I spotted Ian sitting on the bench at the playground. He was on playground duty by himself today, which gets to be a pretty boring task. All you have to do is make sure none of the kids get injured or do anything ridiculously stupid. With the all of two kids playing, there was even less for him to do.

   Westchester was altogether dead today; it was probably because of the 15 mile per hour wind going through Miami and the rapid dropping temperatures. Even the cafe only had one middle-aged couple sitting and enjoying a cup of coffee.

   Kaila followed my gaze to Ian. "You can't avoid him forever," she murmured like the voice in my head has been telling me for three days now.

   It's not even like I wish I could. All I want to do right now is run to Ian and talk to him; I want everything to be the same as it was in the past, but we can't do that. Circumstances have changed.

   "Just a little longer." I just need to talk to Joel and figure things out. "How has he been?"

   Kaila frowned, "I think you should just wait to ask him yourself. You two have a lot to talk about."

   I looked at the clock and sighed. Joel is going to be home in about an hour, and it's time to clock out so I can prep myself for this conversation.

   Nothing like getting ready to greet your boyfriend with a "welcome home, I almost cheated on you because I'm in love with my ex."

   I'm going to hell.

~•~

   I could not stop pacing. I wouldn't even be surprised if I fell through the floor at this point because of how many times I've paced the exact same diameter over and over.