Been Here All Along

15| dreams

"You're the best thing I never knew I needed." - Ne-Yo

   Joel and I are officially broken up, Ian is home, and I'm completely and utterly lost.

   That was the only way to effectively conclude the aftermath of my talk with Joel, and Kaila could read me as soon as she got home. She came in and sat next to me and allowed me to cry on her shoulder for as long as I needed.

Of course I knew from the moment I nearly kissed Ian that I was going to have to call things off with Joel, but the reality is hitting me now. Not only are Joel and I over, but he's moving across the country in four days.

It wasn't until a half hour after Kaila got home that I was able to stop crying and finally fill her in on what happened between Joel and I exactly. I feel kind of bad actually because, for that whole half hour, she was probably just assuming the worst because of my reaction. She would never guess that Joel is moving to Michigan to play semi-pro football.

"Let's just start off by saying," I began as I wiped my gray long sleeve over my face to dry it, "the conversation did not go how I planned at all."

I'm actually not sure how exactly I planned for it to go, but that surely wasn't it. In what world was I supposed to expect that Joel was going to tell me he's moving to Michigan?

"Go on," she insisted.

"He told me that he's moving to Michigan." Before I could even go on, Kaila was already gasping. My point exactly — totally unexpected.

"Why?"

"The Florida semi-pro team doesn't need any tight ends. Michigan does and his agent said it'd be a smart move."

Kaila nodded slowly, taking it in.

Just like Kaila was close with Ian, she was close with Joel as well. Probably not as close, but definitely close enough that she'd be upset over his move. Joel was a good guy and liked by pretty much everyone; no one will want to see him go, but everyone will be proud that he's going to do big things for himself.

"After that, I told him about Ian."

"How'd he take it?"

"He was so hurt, Kaila. He wasn't mad and swore he doesn't hate me, but I could see how hurt he was in his eyes." I hate that I was the one to inflict that kind of pain on him when he's done nothing but go to great measures to make me happy.

"I think he understands to a certain extent, honestly," Kaila reasoned. "He's probably just hurt because he lost you, not because of the fact you and Ian almost kissed. You guys didn't kiss because you walked away before it happened. You didn't want to hurt Joel like that, and you didn't. He knows how much you love Ian, and he knew it from the moment he got involved with you."

I let out a low sigh of relief as I realized how right Kaila seems to be. I gave Kaila a one-armed hug to express how grateful I am for her.

"What now?" Kaila asked. We were both staring aimlessly straight ahead at my wall at this point. I don't know exactly what was going through her mind, but I was trying to imagine what life would be like now that Joel and I are no longer together.

"I don't know," I admitted after pondering the thought a few minutes longer. "I love Ian so much, but I feel so lost right now."

Joel spent three years trying to win me over from a man that was overseas and succeeded only a year ago. I fell for him quickly, given how close we were before I gave him a real chance, and I found myself moving on from Ian. Then, all of a sudden, Ian's back and everything is different. Now I'm newly single and lost, the only word I can find to accurately describe how I feel.