Been Here All Along

42| closure

"Baby, you are the strongest flower that ever grew, remember that when the weather changes." - Unknown

"We gotta go up there..." I trailed off, pointing out the obvious this time. Mason had gotten his much needed cry out of his system and recomposed himself. We were just watching Ian's family say goodbye from the back of the room. I looked up at Mason pleadingly as the room grew emptier and emptier. "Can you go first?"

Ian's mom was the only person left in here with us, then one of us would have to go.

   Mason exhaled and nodded. I gave his hand one last reassuring squeeze and watched from the back as Mason approached Ian's casket for the first time today. My heart already began to hurt, just at the thought of having to look at Ian's lifeless face.

   Mason spent several minutes saying his last words to Ian before he turned to look at me, revealing his bloodshot eyes and red and blotchy face. He'd lost it all over again looking at Ian for one last time.

   I slowly got up and made my way to the front, pacing myself as if I were a snail. In just a few steps, I'd be looking down at Ian, but he would not be looking up at me. All I can hope is he is somewhere better, watching over me.

   "You can do this, Papps," Mason assured me. He moved past me and went a couple rows back to give me some space. He somehow knew that I wanted him close, just in case.

I can do this. For Ian.

I approached Ian's casket with closed eyes, the fear settled in. Knowing I'd never actually be ready for this encounter, I forced my eyes open and looked down at Ian's lifeless face.

I couldn't see his beautiful blue eyes, and I never will again. That thought alone was enough to bring tears to my eyes.

"Ian...wow..." I sighed. I told myself before that I probably wouldn't be able to touch Ian when I saw him, but I was wrong. I instantly put my hand on top of his, which was on top of his chest.

He was being buried in his army uniform, per his own request. He'd written in his will that he had written when he initially enlisted that, if he died at battle, he wanted to be buried in his uniform.

"Hey, E," my voice cracked when I spoke. "I played Chicken Fried, just like I knew you'd want me to." I can just picture him, gazing down at me and laughing. "Ian, I just really don't know what I'm going to do without you. You're my best friend and the love of my life... it's not fair that you were taken away from me and everyone else like this. It doesn't even make sense. Like, Chicken Fried says, you give your life so we don't have to sacrifice the things we love, but we love you, Ian. We want you back." The anger within me was beginning to boil, but the soft touch on my shoulder forced me to look away from Ian.

"Find closure, Josie. There's nothing any of us can do to bring him back, so just find closure," Mason said. I wish he wasn't right because I wanted to keep ranting about how unfair this is and that it can't be real, but I couldn't. Ian Miller is gone and I should be thanking him for the time I was lucky enough to have spent with him.

"Ian Miller..." I started again, taking in and releasing a deep breath. "Thank you for all of the happiness you have brought into my life. I don't know where I'd be or who I'd be without you. These past few days have been so hard on me, knowing I'll never see you again. I keep wondering how I'll ever be happy again, and I still am, but I hope that I am."

If I had another few minutes to physically talk to Ian in person again, I would take them in a heartbeat and be able to talk and talk, but standing here now, knowing I can't get a reply, I'm at loss for words.