Been Here All Along

41| endlessly

"I never thought I'd have to sum up his life before he was done living it." - Susan Mayer

Someone is forced to face the acceptance of death regarding a loved one every minute of every day. On April 13th 2023, only 5 days after his death, it was our turn to face the acceptance of Ian's death.

"We are brought here today to honor the life and mourn the death of Ian Miller, a son, a brother, a friend, a soldier. Ian lived a proud life where he was loved by many..." the pastor went on, talking about Ian. I'd forced myself to tune him out, only so I could focus on the speech I was about to give in hopes I would be less of a mess. "I welcome Josie Pappstein to speak Ian's eulogy."

I slowly stood, taking a moment to straighten out my dress, then went to the front where I'd stand next to Ian's casket and speak about him in past tense.

"Hi," I exhaled a deep breathe. "I'm Josie Pappstein for those of you who don't know me. I was Ian Miller's girlfriend. I-I love Ian a lot, he was the best guy I've ever met. Ian was a lot of things to a lot of people, me being no exception. However, most of all, Ian Miller was the light. He made everything better and everything easier. When I had to wake up at 7 in the morning, I didn't mind as much because I knew I'd get to see Ian. In every situation, Ian saw the positives and was the light at the end of the tunnel. He was the sunshine at the end of a gloomy day."

   Ian was the light of my life. Without him, my life has been nothing but complete and utter darkness. It's like walking through a complicated hallway with several twists and turns with a blindfold on.

   "I met Ian when I was 12 years old, my first day of 7th grade. I bumped into him and spilled my spaghetti all over his brand new white shoes. He swore to me they weren't new, but I know that they were." I blinked quickly to force back my tears. "I'm so glad I did though, because if I'd never met Ian, I wouldn't be who I am today, a version of myself I am proud of. Ian taught me how to live while still playing it safe, too. Most of the time, anyway," I chuckled lightly, as did some of the people in the crowd too. "When we were 16, Ian insisted on climbing this stupid tree and then he fell and broke his arm. I cried more in the situation than he did, proving he was always taking things so lightheartedly for the well-being of others."

   My script was right in front of me, but I suddenly forgot how to read as the thousands of days I've spent with Ian all came crashing into my memory all at once. All of the smiles, laughs, tears... all of it. I felt like a vampire that had just flipped her humanity switch back on.

   "Ian joined the JROTC his freshman year, and immediately became dedicated. There was nothing he enjoyed more than going to training. Although Ian has always been amazing since the day we met, being a part of that program helped shape him into the man we all know and love." I couldn't bring myself to use the past tense. He may be gone, but we will all always know and love him. "He stayed an active cadet in the JROTC up until we graduated. On his 18th birthday, he enlisted in the army and was sent away right after graduation, leading to us breaking up. Not because we didn't love each other, but because it seemed like the easy way out back then, I guess. He did amazing things during his enlistment, I'm sure of it. One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies that I always would force Ian to watch with me, A Walk to Remember, is: Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Like I said, I've always loved it, but when it came to Ian, it spoke volume."

In the large crowd of people sitting before me, I spotted Joel. He was staring right back at me, intently. When we made eye contact, he offered me an encouraging grin.