For the first time in a while, I have no idea what to say. My friend is kissing me and I don't know what to do. I don't want to kiss him back, but I'm too stunned to really be able to react. Tristan's drink, and even if he wasn't, he's just out of a horrible relationship, and isn't ready to be kissing anyone. Thankfully we're outside, so there isn't anyone staring.
I'm still shocked, and after what feels like hours but in reality is probably only a few seconds, Tristan reacts for me and pulls away suddenly. We stare at each other for a few seconds, and I think he's more lost for words than I am. Suddenly he says "I don't know why I did that. I'm sorry."
He's shaking slightly and I reach out to put a hand on his arm. "It's ok-"
He cuts me off by standing up. "No it isn't." We were sitting on the steps outside Brad's apartment, so Tristan is able to escape quickly by running down the stairs. He's gone too quickly for me to be able to say something, so I head back inside to thank Brad and let him know I'm going- it wouldn't be fair to just leave with no explanation.
"Are you ok?" Brad asks after I make up a lie about why me and Tristan are leaving, or have left.
"I'm fine." I lie, all my emotions mixing up in my head. "It's kind of a long story. I'm sorry."
"It's ok." Brad says, although he looks worried rather than sad. "Take care of Tris though."
"I will." I promise, slightly shaky myself now. At least Brad knows Tristan well enough to know that something's going on, but I'm glad he isn't prying too much. I almost run back down the stairs myself, and it's almost a relief when the cool night air hits me. There's no point trying to get a taxi, and although I'm not great with directions, somehow sheer adrenaline is enough to get me home even though I'm not 100% on where I'm going.
I feel so confused- I was shocked when Tristan kissed me, especially because I didn't hate it. There's just too many complicated emotions surrounding it all, and even if I knew how I felt I wouldn't know how to deal with it. Despite the dark, my lack of knowledge of the area, and the alcohol I've had, I'm somehow home in one peace, physically anyway. I let myself in and I immediately head upstairs.
I go a flight up past my floor and up to Tristan's- I'm not mad at him, other than knowing that I don't know how I feel towards him, but he's my friend and I need to know if he's ok. Sadly, I don't think ok is the word- he can't even be in his bed or something, I'm only stood outside his front door but I can hear him sobbing. It's the true deep sobs that you only get when you're so upset that your heart physically hurts.
It probably wouldn't help, but I wish I could hold him in my arms and promise him that I'm not mad at him and that it's all going to be ok. I'm genuinely not angry, although I guess I would have reason to be. But I'm not and I wish he knew that. I debate knocking at the door, but decide that that would probably make things worse. Instead, I head back down to my apartment and write a quick note for him- 'We need to talk, but not now. I'm not mad at you though, I promise.' Then I take it back upstairs and slide it under his door, he might ignore it but at least I reached out to him.
I head back home myself and even though its like 2am, I can't bring myself to sleep. My brain is too awake going over everything that happened at the party, even though I don't know how I feel about it. What I do know is that I'd just lie in bed tossing and turning, which would be worse. I'm really too overwhelmed to watch tv or something, so instead try FaceTiming one of my friends from home. I'm wide awake anyway, and it's a much more civilised time over there.
Luckily my friend Lucas picks up straight away. I feel relaxed instantly, and the conversation flows easily once I've given a heavily edited explanation as to why I'm still up at this time. For the half an hour or so we're talking my brain starts to calm down. It's still a mess, but I'm slightly less worried now. Eventually Lucas has to ring off, and I don't mind as I'm feeling better now. I'm still not tired though, so I grab my laptop and start organising my photos- I'm glad I'm distracting myself now, the feelings will still be there tomorrow.
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I'm sorry this was so late 😔 I've been super busy and tired because exams, yay. I had a good birthday though, so I don't mind too much 🎉
I made my boys sad but it'll be better in the next few chapters, I promise :)
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He's American (Trames au)
Fanfiction"I love your accent, it's so cute." "You're going to have to get used to it, we all talk like this here." Or, where Tristan has his heart broken, and the only thing that heals it is the sunny American who moves in upstairs. *vaguely based off she's...
