I've lost control of so much in my life. Everything is scary and too much, I have a drinking problem and I'm desperately trying to pretend that I'm ok. But anyone who sees me now would know I'm not ok- I'm sitting on the floor in the hall of my flat crying because I fucked everything up by kissing my best friend. The worst part is that James isn't my best friend in the same way Brad and Connor are, and I just don't know him well enough to be able to guess what'll happen next.
I didn't mean to do it- I was drunk, and I totally panicked afterwards. I can't think any more coherently, the shock sobered me up and now I'm a sobbing mess. I've messed it up again, and I'm crying tears of anger at myself more than anything else. I wipe the tears but they keep falling, so I give up on trying to stop and just let myself bawl.
I don't know how long I cry for, but then I'm suddenly aware of something being slid underneath my door. I pick it up and see that it's some kind of note. I wipe my eyes before unfolding it, but that was pointless as I sob even harder when I see that it's from James- 'We need to talk, but not now. I'm not mad at you, I promise- James x' in his slightly messy handwriting.
I ruined things between us, all because I was drunk and maybe see him as more than a friend, and here he is being nice enough to write me a note saying he isn't mad at me. I'd be mad at me, he's clearly a better person than me. I obviously haven't been selfish enough this evening, so while the note says 'not now', I need to see James. I'm not good at letting things go, and I won't be able to sleep until things are sorted between us.
I spend another 15 minutes or so trying to make myself stop crying, and I see that it's nearly half 2, so this is going to be risky. Despite my drunk state, I have enough sense to grab my keys and run downstairs to James' flat. He opens the door immediately, almost like he was expecting to see me even though he said not to. He says something but I blurt out "I'm sorry." at the same time, so I don't catch it.
He gives me a small smile. "It's ok. I'm not mad at you, honestly."
"You should be." I say, my voice rough from crying.
"Well, I'm not." he says. "Unless you want to make me mad. But please don't."
Despite everything, I have to smile. "And I'm sorry for barging in in the middle of the night. I just wanted to talk to you."
"We do need to talk." James agrees. "But you're drunk and upset, so not now. There's always tomorrow for that." I sit on the sofa beside him and he says "I don't think you believe me when I I say that I'm not mad. Come here." He opens his arms, and despite how angry I am at myself, I give in and hug him. He's hugged me before, but for once I'm not crying this time. He's warm and even though he should be angry at me, I feel safe, and like maybe, just maybe, everything is going to be ok.
"I'm sorry." I whisper again.
James hugs me a bit tighter. "Why do you British people apologise all the time? You don't need to." I can hear the smile in his voice then, and it's only then that I truly believe that he isn't angry. Maybe he feels like me, that there's something more to be had between us, or maybe he's just a decent person. Either way, he's right- we need to talk, but now isn't the time. Right now, I'll just settle for my best friend being my best friend again, even though I don't think he ever really stopped.
James is giving me the best hug ever at a time when I've never needed it more, and I only pull away when I hear him yawn. "Sorry." he says, slightly embarrassed. "It's been a long night."
"You can say that again." I agree. "We need bed now." All the tiredness hit me when the relief did, and I'm suddenly exhausted and too delirious to speak properly.
"We do." James says. "We'll talk properly tomorrow, ok?" I nod, and he follows me to the door when I get up to leave. I open my mouth to speak, but he says "Don't apologise again."
I smile. "I won't. Thank you." He gives me a small smile before I head back upstairs. I'm still kind of sad, but I'm feeling much more hopeful about the whole thing. And having talked to James, I can finally relax. I'm not totally out of the woods yet, but for now I know he doesn't hate me, and that's all I need. I fall into bed, still reliving the events of the night, and then I remember the smile James gave me. And then, suddenly, I know for sure that everything will work out.
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Having hugged James irl I can confirm that he really does give the best hugs ever 😉 As do the others. Please vote and comment if you liked this :)
Usual disclaimer- I don't own this song and I also don't own James, Tristan, Connor or Brad (much as I wish I did)
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He's American (Trames au)
Fanfiction"I love your accent, it's so cute." "You're going to have to get used to it, we all talk like this here." Or, where Tristan has his heart broken, and the only thing that heals it is the sunny American who moves in upstairs. *vaguely based off she's...
