Willfully Blind

CHAPTER 13 Nickel Slick

Sometime later, Lisa turned over to find Dirk no longer next to her. Squinting, she looked down at her sports bracelet illuminating in the dark and waited for her eyes to adjust. 1:20 am. Slowly, she climbed out of bed and slipped on the t-shirt he'd tossed to the floor earlier. It smelled of his cologne. Probably one of the reasons she got caught up so easily.

She headed down the hallway and down the stairs, discovering him in his home office tapping away on his laptop. It didn't take much for those old familiar feelings of unease to arise. He didn't notice her standing there, and she took a moment to watch him, from a distance. Even pissed at him, she had to admit he was striking sitting there shirtless, muscles bulging. He had been working out almost every day, drinking and eating some kind of protein supplement and it had paid off.

At one point, she had suggested he stop working so much on his upper body, not wanting him to look like a bodybuilder. He had stopped, focusing on his abs and his legs. She understood why the girls chased him. Hell, sometimes she wondered if it wasn't pure vanity that made her keep him. She didn't think so, not consciously, anyway. But still...she couldn't imagine anyone else having him.

Physically, he was the total package; entirely her type. She noticed he had pulled his hair back into a ponytail. His dreadlocks fell past his shoulder and down his back. They were well kept and had finally grown out like he wanted. His goatee was trimmed by his barber. He actually stopped by the shop every week to have him "tighten it up" as he would say. She had called him vain to his face. His complexion was deep cocoa brown. A shade lighter and she wouldn't have given him a second look. That's when he'd say, "Now, who's vain." Sometimes she tried to imagine what their children would look like.

"Hey you!" he said, breaking her train of thought. She continued staring at him, her arms folded like she always did when she was cold.

"How's my baby girl?" Dirk asked, smiling. "Shitty," she thought of replying. Usually, her reply was "I'm fine" in her baby voice, with her head tilted to one side, but she wasn't in the mood, and it irritated her that he would go there with her under the circumstances.

"Dirk, I know you think that because of what happened tonight you're off the hook, but don't think for one second—"

"Baby, I'm not trying to get off the hook," he said, using air quotes. "We just had a good time, why are you going back to that? I told you it was nothing. Can't you just let it go?"

"Just like that, Dirk? Let it go? You get caught in a picture with some broad sitting on your lap, and I'm supposed to just get over it? Really?"

"Yeah, Lisa. Really," he responded, shrugging.

"Have you ever considered how pathetic I must look to our friends? You know, it's like... you can't even see what you're putting me through. I can't trust the man I lay down next to every night, and it's killing me."

"Lisa." He leaned back in his expensive leather chair and stared at her, almost as if he was baffled.

"Why do you have to make such a big deal about everything, bae. It's like you enjoy being miserable, Lis."

Staring at him, Lisa released a huff.

"Ugh!" was all she could manage before turning around and storming away.

"We still need to talk about this, Lisa. Walking away doesn't..." she heard Dirk's fading last words as she headed up the stairs. She couldn't stand another minute of his demented reasoning. It was so much like talking to a brick wall. Now she felt like an idiot sharing her body with him. He didn't appreciate how she had compromised her very principles to be with him and it enraged her.

It was the same wrangling they had been hashing over for years and things always eventually got back to where they were at that moment.

*****

Dirk contemplated getting up and going after her but decided against it. She was peeved all over again, and he was not about to go through another episode like they'd had a few nights ago. He was trying to be honest when he asked her why she was insecure and she hauled off and slapped him. He was pissed. All the years and disagreements they'd had, things had never gone there. Not that he really held a grudge. She had caught him with red hands, although he would never admit to it. The irony was he was not guilty of seriously trying to get with the girl; flirting with her, yes, but not seriously considering anything else. Damn stupid Facebook! He hadn't even considered the idea that his friend would post pictures. Was he trying to get him caught up? Dirk was thinking about deleting his page. As far as he was concerned, it wasn't worth the hassle.

He was none the wiser that night en route home after making a few stops after work. He walked into the house and discovered her standing at the kitchen counter with his Facebook page pulled up on her laptop showing a photo of his boy Cody and several other cats posing for the camera. At first, he thought she was just pointing out how silly they looked since she was of the belief that many of them could not let go of their college days. But based on her expression and upon a closer look in the background, he understood at once. Diamond, the one girl who had been flirting with him the entire night, could be seen sitting on his lap. It took all he had to maintain a casual demeanor especially with her standing there, eyes piercing. He knew any reaction that conveyed what he felt would not end well. So, he'd just denied it was what it looked like. But he knew the picture made it apparent. It was not his best look.

Dirk caught a glimpse of the clock in the corner of his laptop and was shocked to see it was a quarter to three. Standing, he stretched and cracked his neck, something Lisa would have yelled at him for if she were around. He hoped she had gotten back to sleep, and their confrontation was over, at least for the next four or five hours. He headed back upstairs and peeked into their bedroom. Lisa was nowhere in sight. Then he caught a whiff and turned his nose up. He found Lisa on the balcony in the guest room with her feet propped up on a little wicker accent table.

"Oh, so we're back to that bad habit again, huh?" Dirk barked, waving the smoke away as he entered the room. He was annoyed she had once again relapsed. She claimed, she had lasted for four months this time. It was a silly little habit she picked up hanging out with friends, and it was several months before she found herself buying cigarettes and not just bumming them while they were all out for drinks. Judging from the buds in the makeshift saucer ashtray, it looked as if she had gone through at least a quarter pack of Virginia Slims.

"Why the hell do you care?" Lisa shot back. She had gone from feeling angry to hurt, followed by crying, which made her angry all over again. She couldn't wrap her mind around why a man that was supposed to love her continuously brought her such misery. If she had to be honest with herself, she had become insecure with Dirk. She was sacrificing so much to stay with him, including who she was, never insecure.

Dirk, not trying to start up with Lisa again at three in the morning, took a deep breath and attempted to disengage calmly.

"Come on Lis, it's late, man. We both have running around to do in the morning. Let's just go to bed."

"Whatever. Get out, Dirk. I'm not sleeping next to someone I can't even trust."

"What? Hey, that's you not wanting to trust people; now you're just being unreasonable, though. Staying in the guest room, Lisa? Seriously? That's just childish."

Lisa lit another cigarette and pulled a long drag.

"Whatever," she said, blowing the smoke in his direction. "Just get out."