Willfully Blind

CHAPTER 15 Sounding Board

Lisa was lying across the bed half asleep when she heard the house phone ringing. She tried to imagine who the hell would be calling the house phone other than a telemarketer? She had no intention of picking up, despite the fact it was stationed in the where she had been residing. After the fourth ring, the answering machine picked up, and at the tone, Lisa heard Tangie's voice.

"Hey, Ms. Luvabull! It's Tangie just calling to see how—"

Lisa sprung from the bed, sprinting across the room to snatch the cordless phone off the receiver.

"Hey, girl, what's up?" Lisa asked, returning to the bed. She had been coming home every day since her blow up with Dirk and crawling into bed.

"Hey, Lisa, did I wake you? I was just calling to see how you were."

"Oh, no, I was just laying here resting. You're good. Whatcha been up to Tangie?" she asked, through a quick yawn.

"Girl, you know, doing the housewife thing. This little girl ratchets it up a notch or two."

"I bet. How is she?"

"She's good. Still climbing up on everything and I swear she's trying to drive me crazy with these twenty-minute cat naps." Back and forth the conversation went. "Oh, before I forget, I wanted to invite you guys over for Halloween. You know it's Cydni's first, so I'm planning to take her to a few houses. Depending on the weather, we may end up just staying home and giving out candy. But anyway, I wanted to extend the invitation. Hope you guys can make it by."

"I'm not sure if we will be making it. But I'd love to come by."

"Oh, okay...well, you know what, now that you mention it, there's a strong possibility that Jamie may be out of town, so maybe I will make it a girl's gathering. I forgot about that...so yeah, that'll be perfect."

"Cool. Sounds like a plan."

Lisa sensing that Tangie, like a bunch of their other friends she was sure, had heard about their issues, decided to get her take on it.

"Dirk's got me about ready to strangle him, as you've probably heard."

"Really? What's going on?" she shot right back.

Lisa ran it all down and Tangie, always a good listener, didn't respond right away. After going on for twenty minutes straight, Tangie had one question.

"Do you think you can let it go?" she asked, carefully. Without hesitation, Lisa responded.

"I don't know this time. It's always something with Dirk, Tangie." Lisa was silent as she considered the message she would send if she let it go and forgave him. Likely the same one she had sent all the years they had been together.

"What's your honest take on it, Tangie? I know you're spiritually grounded. I trust your judgment."

"Well...first of all, in fairness, I think you should look at this particular incident separate with his other slip-ups. It wouldn't be fair to pile on his past missteps."

"Missteps? Are you kidding me? This is Dirk's mode of operation, Tangie. These are patterns of behavior, not slip-ups or missteps, as you so generously put it. So, looking at it independent of all the other shady crap he's pulled is gonna be pretty much impossible. Sorry."

"Okay, so let's just say you're right; that this is his mode of operation. If you were to step back and look at the situation play out in someone else's life, how would you advise them?"

Lisa was quiet, knowing what she would likely tell someone she cared about to run. Run and not look back.

"Anyway, I'm just saying that you have to look at this relationship from a different perspective," Tangie said, saving Lisa from having to respond.

"Be objective. Assess Dirk's behavior honestly, and then make a decision based on that. I know it's easier said than done."

"Yeah, you're right. If I were to be honest with myself, Tangie I seriously wonder if he even cares if we're together. You should hear some of the stupid, insensitive things he says."

"Well, men just say stupid things sometimes, that's just how most of them are built." Tangie's wisecrack tickled Lisa, lightening the moment.

"But, Lisa, you know he cares about you, right? He's not maliciously trying to hurt you?" she asked, more than stated. "It is all about intent. I think it's more related to maturation than malicious or cruel intent. If he just doesn't get it, it could just be a matter of you guys getting into counseling. But if he's like — say my ex, Sean...well, that's a different story."

"Right now, I don't really know. It just feels like he's mistreating me. But you know the space I'm in. I don't know. He says he doesn't want anyone else, but why have I seen evidence over and over again suggesting otherwise? And what the hell is he waiting for with this whole marriage thing?" Lisa said, her voice peaking. "I can't keep going through this. It's ridiculous."

"I know, Lisa. I remember thinking the same thing when I was dating Sean. I was so caught up with him, and we went through all this drama, but for the life of me, I couldn't see myself being without him. I was really kinda strung out on him. It was not a healthy situation."

"So, you think I should leave him, don't you?" Lisa asked, pretty sure Tangie probably viewed her as a fool for even considering the possibility of staying with him.

"Oh, no, I'm not saying that, Lisa! That was my toxic relationship with Sean, but that doesn't mean your relationship can't be salvaged. I have two suggestions: First, determine if Dirk is acting like an immature jerk who is need of direction and maybe even a little prayer. Or if he really is just, as you say, mistreating you. But secondly, you have to look out for yourself in this. Pray about it and ask the Lord to direct you. When I think about my relationship with Sean, I realize I really did love him, but I was not looking out for my own best interest. And it was hard for me to finally admit that."

"So... how did you get over him?" Lisa asked, cautiously, face grimaced.

"Okay, for the record, Lisa, you know I'm not telling you to break up with Dirk, right?"

"No, I know you're not."

Lisa heard Tangie pull in a deep breath.

"Okay, well I'm not going to lie and say it wasn't really hard. I cried and cried and had false hope. And nobody really understood why I couldn't just walk away from this guy, especially after he clowned so badly, he got me evicted from my apartment. But it was that "I'm in love" mindset that kept me trying to make it work. I would break up with him and then go back and sleep with him and get caught up all over again. But then, one day I just felt myself literally start to despise him. It was crazy. I was trying so hard to stay with this guy, I had lost sight of the fact that I was actually growing to hate him. Girl, I had lost every ounce of good sense God gave me and becoming someone I didn't even recognize. All this for a guy I dated for a year and a half? I knew it wasn't really love. I started praying and asking God to help me let him go, and He gave me the strength to move on. I met Jamie about six months later."

"It's like, it sounds so rational and the right thing to do, Tangie, but I don't think I have the strength to leave him right now. My heart is so into him."

"Hey, trust me, I know how it is. Just pray about it and allow some time. When you're ready, start an honest dialogue with him and see if he would be willing to go to counseling. I'm going to be praying for you guys, too."

"I appreciate that. Lord knows I can use all the prayers I can get."