Tender (Book 1 - Complete)

Chapter 34 - Jamie

With my physical therapy session on Tuesday and Lynn working all morning yesterday, we haven't had a chance to see each other since swimming three days ago. It's been okay though. It's given me a chance to think things through. I'm trying to be smart about how I approach my own emotions. I've never been a big fan of digging around and trying to decipher these so-called feelings. I'd rather just go with the flow and do what ever pleases me in that moment. But when it comes to Lynn, I refuse to make a wrong move. She's special to me and I'd hate to be that guy who accidentally uses her as a rebound.

Though truth be told, I'm so over Penny that there's no risk of making that kind of mistake with Lynn now. I'm a free man. My heart belongs to no one. I can do what I please and lately, Lynn's been forcing me to view our relationship in a new light. I've already acknowledged that Lynn is not simply a friend. She's far more than that. She's my encourager—my supporter—and those qualities have slowly unveiled my eyes to the fact that she's good for me.

I'm just not sure if I'm good for her.

I'm a mess. I don't talk about it with anyone because they all think I'm still stuck on the fact that I lost my leg. Truth is, I'm over that. Sure, there are days when it's tough and I'm frustrated when I'm so limited in activities, but I have hope that time will change that. But see, that's the thing. I still have hope.

Malcolm Everett, though? He doesn't.

That's where the real darkness has manifested. My chest feels thick with this ugly tar—the consequences of a moment of distraction. Had my mind been focused on driving, Malcolm Everett might have survived. I might have had time to break or swerve, but I'd been thinking about other things—trivial things—and it cost him his life.

That's where I'm really struggling. I can't seem to come to terms with what I've done. I just repeat that day over and over in my head until it's branded into every cell of my body. I can't take a step without recalling that day and my mind conjures up all kinds of horrific images of this little boy torn to pieces as he lays sprawled in the middle of a sun-cooked street.

Loneliness and regret have nestled their way inside my life and I can't get rid of them. Realistically, I know I'm not at fault. I was driving safe and I wasn't even going that fast. The fact of the matter is, that little boy died because he did something stupid... and I'll suffer forever because of it.

Maybe that's where my true bitterness stems from.

I'm angry at Malcolm for riding into the road without looking. I'm angry at Malcolm for not being smarter. I'm angry at Malcolm for destroying my life and causing me to end his. He's to blame... and yet, I can only manage to blame myself and the weight of that guilt is excruciating.

I need to escape. I have to get out of here before the loneliness eats me alive.

My mom still works full-time, leaving me to fend for myself now that school's out. Dillon and Lynn are the only friends I still have around here, but I can't just expect them to get up and go anytime I ask them to spend the day with me. I don't think they realize that my intentions are selfish. I need them so I can let go of my regret for just a few hours. I'm using them to find a moment of peace.

Calling up Dillon, I ask if he's free to get together, but from the quality of his voice, I already know the answer. He sounds bad. Really bad. His voice is gravelly and weak, congestion making his words mumbled and thick. I swear he nearly hacked out a lung while trying to explain the severity of his flu symptoms to me. As if his bark-like cough wasn't clue enough. He sounds like a freakin' sea lion yapping in misery.

Telling him to just relax and get better, I hang up and dial Lynn's number.

"I'm in," she answers, throwing me off guard.