Tender (Book 1 - Complete)

Chapter 38 - Jamie

       

It's been four months since Lynn denied me and I can honestly say, it was for the best. We still joke around with rude sarcasm and blunt honesty, but I can't keep from sensing some level of hesitancy. Like we're both holding back from what we really want.

The truth is, Lynn was right. I wasn't ready. I like her—a lot—but my emotions are still so messed up. I've got a lot of issues to work through before I should consider dating. So, for now, we're simply friends.

Accepting Mrs. Everett's forgiveness wasn't some magical healing potion. But rather, it was the hammer that allowed me to break down the wall of shame and guilt that kept me from moving forward. I can almost feel my mind as it takes baby steps toward self-forgiveness.

Over the past few months, I've been trying to alter my outlook on life. I'm trying to view my situation as a blessing. I got a boy killed and I lost a leg, but in the process, I learned to look at other's lives as precious. Prior to the accident, my entire world focused around me. I lived for the thrill and I ached to be free from everyone and everything I knew so that I could live the life I wanted all on my own. Now, the thought of solitude leaves a hollowness in my chest. I don't want to be alone. My dream still remains. A farm, a dog, cattle... but less self-centered. I want to help people.

I've also been putting in extra effort to let Lynn know how special she is to me. She's that light that drew me out of my darkness and I'll always love her for the way she helped me out of my gloom. As months dragged on, I thought I'd be horribly disappointed when I didn't get my new prosthetic as I'd expected, but I was wrong. Instead, I found myself dreading that day because it would mean I'd finally be free. I'd have nothing keeping me here.

Nothing except Lynn... and now that we've determined that friendship is as far as we're willing to go for now, then even she isn't really an excuse to stay.

"Where do you see us in six months?" she asks, breaking me away from my reverie.

We're both laying beneath the walkway bridge, the grassy slope of the embankment beneath our backs and the icy waters of the Galena River swishing passed our toes. Fall is in the air, its chill nipping at our exposed feet. I've got my eyes closed as I rub my thumb along my slightly scruffy jaw. Turning my head, I squint one eye open and look at Lynn.

"Not sure," I admit, rolling myself up into a seated position and resting my forearms on my knees. "Lot's can happen in a short amount of time."

"Well," she grunts as she pushes herself up to sit beside me. "Where would you like to see us in six months."

I smile at her before turning my attention to the chocolate milk-tinged waters flowing in front of me.

"Together," I answer honestly, voice soft and sincere even though there's doubt woven into the possibility.

She hums in agreement, following my gaze.

Small ripples wiggle their way throughout the water, but otherwise, it appears peaceful and calm. I realize these waters represent most people. We're all so good at pretending to be okay. We smile, we answer 'fine' when people ask how we are, and we live. The only way to know that something isn't right is if you dive beneath the surface. Only then do you get a view of the sharp-edged rocks and snakes and cannibalistic fish. As beautiful as the surface looks, the depths carry many dangers and ugly truths.

We're all hiding something. We all carry uglies.

Thanks to Lynn, I'm finally letting go of some of that ugly. I'm still healing and learning, and I'm sure I'll have days where I fall into that gloom again, but I'm not stuck anymore.