Tender (Book 1 - Complete)

Chapter 37 - Jamie

It's been a week since I confronted Mrs. Everett about her son. I'll admit those first thirty minutes were excruciating. She'd pulled me into her house and ushered me to the living room. I could see the stiffness in her demeanor, like having me in her home was comparable to have Hitler seated on her sofa. But, after offering me some water and taking a seat opposite me, she'd watched me for a moment before sighing and dropping her shoulders in defeat.

She'd told me how she'd spent the last three-and-a-half months hating me. She'd pictured me as this wild, stupid high school boy who cared nothing for the people around him. She'd imagined me living my life without remorse for the life I took. And then she admitted the bafflement she'd experienced when she watched me barely keep myself together as I'd brokenly apologized on her doorstep.

We spent nearly an hour talking about Malcolm and the little joy he was. With shame, she explained that she'd taken him out for a walk that day. She'd been diligently watching him until she got a phone call. Her attention was diverted to her phone for a moment and that was all the time it took for little Malcolm to grow curious and veer off course.

It seems Mrs. Everett—Juliet, as she later informed me—was equally at fault as I was. Neither of us did anything wrong. It was just bad timing and a brief second of distraction.

The rest of our visit was of her telling me stories about her boy and how lively and loving he was. She also told me some horror stories about raising a child with ADD, but she loved him unconditionally. She still did and the ache that his loss has created in her is a void that will never be filled.

Then she asked how I was. I'd not been expecting that. First Lynn and now Juliet. It's strange to meet so many people who hold the capability to care so deeply about others. Juliet's boy is dead because of me and she sat there asking how my recovery had been. She'd even shown pity when she learned how my life had changed after the accident.

Overall, the visit was refreshing. I'll probably never see Juliet again—which I'm sure we both prefer—but a weight has been lifted. Earning her forgiveness was the solution to this suffocating feeling I've been having since that day. The chains have dropped away and I feel freer than I have in months.

But with this freedom came a new realization. The realization that I'm not ready to give up on Lynn. Actually, with the three weeks apart, I thought I'd start growing more distant and happier about my decision. But on the contrary. I'm miserable. I think about her constantly. I wonder if she's found peace yet, or if she feels the emptiness that I find myself feeling.

It's so strange; when I'd first let her go, I thought I was okay with it. I didn't think it'd take but a few days to return to my old habits and move on from her. I was wrong. It's like everything is working in reverse order. The longer I'm away from her the more I want her. I want her smiles, her laughs, and man do I want her lips. I'd only gotten one taste, but that was all it took to brand the memory onto my tongue. I crave her.

But most importantly, I miss her. I miss her playfulness and her ability to make me feel so normal. I miss her shy smile coupled with her quirky, confident personality. I miss her awful flirting and her inability to consider herself before anyone else. For her, others always come first. I miss her kind spirit, and her cranky morning attitude, and her zest for her simple life.

I did everything I could the last week before school started to get a moment with her. I'd even gone to her workplace each morning, but she'd brushed me off with the excuse that she was busy. Feeling desperate, I'd call her and leave messages just to let her know how much I cherish her friendship... because it seems that's all we'll ever be since I ruined everything with my indecisiveness and inability to understand my own feelings.