Tender (Book 1 - Complete)

Chapter 36 - Jamie

I never should have kissed her. If I'd just gone with my gut, that moment never would have happened. I wouldn't have grown weak from her touch, or mesmerized by her parted lips, or completely captivated by her taste. But I swear, the moment I kissed her and saw the hope flare to life on her face, somewhere in the back of my head, I heard myself mutter the dreaded word, "oops." Because, even though I was too submerged in the moment to really fathom my own doubt, I knew this was leading nowhere. I kissed her because I wanted to. Plain and simple... and stupid.

It's been three days now and I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. I've been busy with physical therapy and prosthetic adjustments lately, but in my free time, I've been holed up in my room feeling like a total moron and working up the ability to confront Lynn. I've never been good with confrontation, especially when I know that what I have to say might shatter the person.

I'm leaving soon. I'm moving away. The moment I can escape, that will be exactly what I'm gonna do. If anything happened between Lynn and I now, it'd be over before it hardly began. Why allow ourselves to get attached to each other only to have to rip ourselves apart in a few months? Personally, I'd rather save us both the pain. Especially Lynn. She's already more emotionally invested and I hate the thought of giving her false hope.

Which is exactly what I did three days ago. I'm such an idiot.

And now she must be more confused than ever because I haven't spoken to her in days. I guess I'm just avoiding the inevitable. I'm being selfish really, but I keep telling myself that I'm doing it for her. As long as I don't come right out and tell her that I don't feel the same way, then she can pretend that the possibility does exist.

The thing is, I do see love being a possibility in the future. The idea itself doesn't even freak me out. Loving Lynn would be easy. But, there is no future for us. She's got another year of high school and I plan to be long gone way before that year is over. Maybe if things were different I'd be willing to wait for her, but I can't just rot away in this old town anymore. There's too much negativity bleeding into the good and it's suffocating me. I have to escape. And the sooner the better.

But, enough about the future. I've got issues that need to be addressed now, and on the top of that list is Lynn. I can't hold off any longer without labeling myself as a complete coward. Popping on my carbon fiber leg, I grab my keys and head to my car.

The last memory I have of Lynn is of us canoodling in the hammock with the tinkling of water ripples cascading beneath. I remember the feel of her hair between my fingers as I played with the strands. We hadn't spoken, too focused on enjoying the quiet and the feel of each other. It's still mind-boggling. To think that just a few weeks ago, Lynn and I were merely friends and now I can't seem to scrub the pleasure of her kisses from my memory.

Oh man, her lips had been soft. So soft. And to feel her labored breathing as it fanned across my face had been surprisingly intimate. I wish I could say that her tongue tasted like bubble gum and minty freshness, but how often do people get that lucky? Truthfully, she tasted salty, most likely from the fries we'd had earlier—meaning I probably tasted the same—but it didn't matter. The emotional shock and delight overwhelmed the lesser attributes of the kiss. It wasn't perfect and I think that's what made it special. It was raw and real and passionate.

And now I want to kiss her again.

I turn the volume up on the radio, trying to drown out my thoughts. The less I think, the easier this entire confrontation will be. I don't do well when I try to plan out a speech. I just gotta let it flow. I have to be genuine and upfront and hope I don't break her heart in the process.