Knight

i

"You look like you've been gaining weight, what have you been eating?" My mother asked. "Everything's fine I'm just stressed," I said. "Well, the only thing that you should be stressed about is your college applications," She said. "Have you started on your essay?" She asked. "Yeah," I lied.

I grabbed my keys desperate to get out of the situation. Before she could say anything else. It was 7 am and my mother was already criticizing me. As I closed the door a familiar face caught my eye. It was Knights sister, she was been getting out of her car. "Hi, Clara!" She greeted. I waved back, "Where are you going?" She asked. "I don't know, I just need to get out for a bit," I replied. "Perfect! Come over theres nobody home and I bought way to much Chinese!" She said. I nodded.

-

"So uh, how's the reading?" She asked getting the plates. "Its um good, just hard to get through," I said like looking around. The McLain house was just as intimidating as the last time I was here. The walls looked like they held secrets and the picture perfect furniture seemed more like a prison then a home. "I can see that, personally I thought the parts where my brother was acting like a love sick monkey are my favorites. I mean for a suicide note it was kind of adorable-sorry that was a fucked up thing to say. Its just hard making convo with my brothers girlfriend," She finished.

"I am not his girlfriend," I corrected. "When you finish you'll understand," She assured. "No, I am not his girlfriend. I don't know why everyone thinks I am. He broke up with me, he used me. We are not together, not now not ever, not even after-" I cut myself off.

"Sorry," She said as she finished setting up the table. "I didn't mean to come off harsh, Im just-dealing with a lot right now," I said sitting down. "Have you gone to visit at all?" She asked. "Uh with your mom," I said. "Yeah she told me, that wasn't really a visit," She added. I looked down avoiding her gaze.

"You can't stand to be near him can you? Fuck, my brother really did a number on you. Do you think that's why he killed himself? He couldn't stand to see what he had done to you-fuck" She stopped. Everything became a blur. I stood up and ran to the door. Was I the reason he ended it all? Was it my fault that he was in the hospital bed?

"Clara! I didn't mean that!" She called out. I just kept running. My chest was heavy and my stomach hurt. I got to my car and drove off, I didn't know where I was going but I needed to get away from it all. I had the pages with me, it was all I needed.

"Where are we going?" "Somewhere just for us"

-

Hours later I had arrived at the familiar house. The smell of the ocean burned my nostrils. The pain wasn't as bad as the nostalgia. I walk up the front porch and reached for the key under the potted plant. Unlocking the door I entered the McLain beach house. It was a stunning piece of architecture that laid empty. Knight had once told me the last time they had been here was six years ago. It was clear from the peeling paint that covered the house. The interior was covered in dust and aging wood. The salty air was eroding the walls, large windows covered many areas of the house. It made the already huge house seem even bigger. It made it feel lonelier.

I sat on the couch and pulled out the pages. No distractions, I needed to finish.

Letter 7
Side A

"Hottest girls in school ranking," Anthony said. "Bro, in our grade or the whole school?" Mason asked.

Knight hated his teammates. He hated how dumb they were. He hated how mean they were. And he hated the way they talked about women. "Corey has to be top 5 at least," Another teammate jumped in. "Yes, top 5 only cause of the way she dresses. Think about it dude, if she didn't look so slutty all the time would she actually be that hot?" Anthony said. "Not really, she had big tits but no ass. She kinda looks like an upside down triangle," Michel jumped in. "But I still fuck, no offense Knight," He added. "I don't claim her, she's just a quick fuck," Knight said. He hated himself the most for participating. "Alright then, what about Amber," Anthony said. "Senior! Hottest girl on the volleyball team and she sucked my dick last weekend," Mason said. "No, not Amber Shaw. Amber Swanson," Anthony corrected. "She sucked my dick too, but don't put her on the list her nipples are to big," Mason said.

Knights eyes lit up. He saw her, walking across the Cafeteria. Her hair was down and framing her beautiful face. She was wearing a sundress, it was to short, sleeveless, a tiny little thing. She was getting attention.

"Damn now that's a top 5, Clara Johnson. Finest black girl in our grade. She's a naïve virgin. Chris' friend and apparently off limits. Chris hogs all the good ones, he doesn't even let them go to parties," Anthony explained.

They all watched her buy what she needed and head back to her friends. It made Knight angry the way the watched her. "I would fucking pay money to fuck her bro. It really isn't fair, this off limits shit is stupid," Mason said.

Knight was relived when Chris had announced his little girl group of friends was off limits. Chris was the only guy on the team Knight liked. He was the only one who also couldn't stand his teammates. Chris had respect for women and saw them as people. But he was no better then Knight, he was complicit in the things he saw.

This was the world Knight existed in. Hyper-masculinity and extreme sexual pressure. It drove him insane. But unlike Chris, Knight was the center of it. He was the most popular boy so he didn't get to have a separate group of friends. Instead he was forced to drown in a sea of toxic testosterone.

This was the beginning of his pain.

Pain. Knight was already familiar with it. How could this be the beginning?

I knew Knight had skeletons in his closet. I needed to know what they were.