Knight

o

It was dark outside.

Soft rain drops had started falling from the sky. Just barely even making any sound. Almost like a drizzle. Nothing like it had been that night over the summer. Maybe thats when I had gotten pregnant. Truth be told we did it so many times I actually had no real idea which time got me pregnant but it was definitely in the beach house. Or was it when we had gotten back? I didn't know.

I reached for my stomach. Fuck I was hungry. The smell of cooking food wasn't helping. Starry was busy in the kitchen trying to make us something to eat. I was stuck sitting next to the window under a dim lamp waiting for myself to finally start reading this page. I mean, I knew what sex was like with Knight but what I knew was from my own perspective. I could barely even think about it now because of all the intense feelings it brings up. To see it from his perspective?

I shiver at the thought of it. Knight was really...

dirty.

When he whispered things to me into my ear I would wonder how he even came up with that kind of imagery. I can't even imagine what was lying inside his mind. How did he experience it. Fuck.

I couldn't read this page. I couldn't believe other people did. I stared at the disorganized page reading the first sentence.

Why would you kill yourself?

How ironic. He was talking about the night he caught me with a razor to my wrists. It was the third night we had run away to the beach house after I got into a fight with my mother.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

"No! Im sick and tired of you treating me like this!" She screamed. "It's like you resent me or better yet your jealous of me! I never asked to come into this world mother! You put me here then blame me for my own existence!" Cut off with a hard slap. "Do not talk to me like that!" She scolded. "Jealous? Are you mad? Yeah I do resent you only because your nothing but a fucking whore. Your my whore bitch of a daughter," She spat. "Your a fat whore, nothing worse than that. Look at you, your gaining weight again. Me and your father did not spend all that time and money just for you to throw it all down the toilet!" She screamed. "Fuck you, mother. You only wish I was a whore so actually had a real reason to hate me!" Clara croaked through her cries.

"Its my body, if I want to be fat then so be it," She said. "Not under my roof, no daughter of mine will be a disgusting lump. I will starve you if that's what it takes! I'm giving you one week, one week to fit into that dress," Her mother said storming out. Knight watched as Clara collapsed on her bed in tears.

There arguments were always so loud. Knight had felt for Clara. He too had struggles with his parents. He looked over at his girlfriend in pity. "Do you wanna get out of here?" He asked. Clara jumped a little being startled by him. Had he heard everything? Why was he not running in the other direction? "Clara, lets go," Knight pushed. She nodded weakly and began leaving. "Oh, and uh pack a bag," He said.

The car ride was silent. Knight hadn't enclosed the destination yet. Clara didn't seem to care much, as long as she got away from her mother. "Knight?" She croaked. "Yeah, baby?" He answered worriedly. "Never mind," She sighed. He wanted to so badly push her into saying what she wanted to. But it wasn't the time for that. She was hurting and needed to get away.

Six hours later they arrived. The McLain family beach house sat on its own private beach. Huge and classy with a wrap around porch. You could hear the crashing of the waves as the high tide began to settle in. She looked over at him. She understood why she was there, to get away. Grabbing the bag she packed they made there way to the house. A little disappointed because she forgot to pack a swimsuit. Knight caught up with her and intertwined their hands.

"Just a day or two, okay?" He whispered. Just a day or two. She sighed, she couldn't ask for a better boyfriend.

-

"What are you cooking?" She asked. He looked up at his girlfriend. "Uh, lasagna it should take a while so we can go to the beach," He said. She grinned, "Okay," She said. The couple made there way outside to the beach and the crashing waves. The sun had been lower in the sky. "You wanna talk to me?" He asked grabbing the sides of her face. She looked down. "Do you really want to here about me and my bullshit?" She asked. "Baby, its not bullshit, if it makes you sad its not bullshit," He cooed. "My mother, she hates me so much," She said. "When I was younger I used to work so hard to please her. Fuck I almost destroyed myself trying to meet her standards," She said. He knew all about that, his father was the same. "And now, its like she couldn't care less if I died tomorrow," She said quietly. His heart stinged as he wrapped his arms around her. "Don't ever say that, fuck please don't ever say that. I would care, I would die if you were gone Clara. You are my everything," He said.

She held on to her boyfriend for dear life as she cried. He clutched the back of her shirt. He couldn't even picture what a world without her looked like. "I love you Knight," She said. "I love you more," He said. "If you ever feel sad, please talk to me. You are my best friend," He said. She smiled through her tears, "Your mine too," She sniffled. Knight picked her up and ran into the water. She screamed as the coldness splashed on her.

My mother would call me a the two days later when we were getting ready to leave. She told me that she was disowning me, not to bother even coming home. I would fall to my knees in the bathroom as I heard her hang up the phone. Without thinking, full of rage and pain. I picked up a razor. It felt like no matter where I would go she would always find away to destroy my happiness. How felt as if I had nowhere to go. How could I leave the beach house if there was nowhere for me to go?

Knight would walk in catching me in the act. He would say nothing. He just took it from my hands and held me close as I cried. We tried to leave that night. Figure things out when we got back home but the weather wasn't having it. A huge thunder storm made it impossible to drive.

We would both ran back soaking wet. Then the power went out.

Knight would lie me down, the only light we had was moon and the occasional lightning shining through the huge windows. The thunder felt like it was shaking the house as he peeled off my wet clothes. He held me close and poured his unconditional love inside me.

He whispered into my ear how much he needed me while holding me close. His hands gripping tightly, like he was scared I would disappear.

How could I kill myself? How could he?

I felt a tear fall down my face. I hadn't even noticed I was crying. How could he do this to me? How could me try to kill himself? Why did he leave me? I was sobbing. I needed to pull it together I needed to read this page.

I needed to read this page.