Taking the Throne

A mother's wish

Chapter Text

He was gone. She would never hear his voice again. Feel his warmth. Tolerate his terrible humor. Smell his skin.

It was true. He wasn't coming back.

She caught herself believing, for a split second, that he was across the galaxy, somewhere, still getting into trouble. All of those years apart she had always known he was alive, somehow she could sense his beating heart and the ripples of sadness that he had buried away. She could sense when he was thinking of her and hear him saying he loved her. In those moments when she was truly alone she was haunted by the echos of their past; of the laughter of their little family, and the tears, oh so many hours of tears and agony, of anguish over a boy lost and their failure as his parents. They had failed to protect him, it was their only job other than to love him. They failed.

But it wasn't all bad. No, it wasn't. It was good, really good. So many happy times together. Vacations at the river lands of Naboo at her mother's palace, peaceful times when the war was over, as a little family. Swimming with baby Ben in the big lake, his black hair sticking to his chubby face coming up for air. Han throwing him up in the air as she held her breath and called out to be careful.Those quiet moments when Ben was carried away by their nanny, and they could slip away kissing under the waterfalls.

Or the nights that Han would sit with an older Ben and try to help him with his math. Standing in the doorway unnoticed, she would listen to him still explaining how important it was, especially if he wanted to be the best pilot in the galaxy.

But she was distracted, and it was all her fault. Always busy. Always stressed, worrying about political stability, thinking it was all on her shoulders despite legions of leaders working together to create the future the galaxy deserved. No, she believed it was her duty to lead and was blind to the many nights she came home to find Han and Ben sprawled out in their bed having waited as long as possible to see her before succumbing to deep sleep.

This was the only way Ben could sleep, when he was not alone, and Han never let him down. It made her feel ashamed that her husband held her baby more than she did, but he had a way with Ben, even as an infant. Han knew that something wasn't right, it was as if his instinct could smell the threat surrounding his son, and he put up the greatest effort to defend the one person her loved more than her.

Even as he grew older and his fears seemed irrational, Han never questioned him. He would pretend that he wanted to hang out and talk about the newest upgrades to the falcon or plan their next adventure. Sneaking away while she was working was a normal occurrence. In retrospect, it probably helped Han just as much as Ben. Han hated politics and meetings, he was happiest when he was speeding through the stars, and even happier when he had his boy with him.

A child had never been so loved.

And she talked him into sending Ben away. Out of fear, not fear from his growing and untamed power, but fear from losing him to the darkness. She had forseen it, and Just like her father before her, fear had pierced her soul. Losing Ben was so frightening that she would do the unthinkable and send him away, albeit with the only person she trusted, her brother. Fear, the path to the dark side. She had put them all at risk. It was her fault. All of it. And now they were all gone. Luke, Han, and her Ben. Her boy.

Losing Ben had broken them, tore them apart. The pain was so deep and raw that Han left. Ran away. Threw himself into his old life of smuggling.

But there wasn't a night before she fell sleep that she wouldn't reach out with her feelings and swear that she could touch his face, and kiss his lips, whispering her love and goodnight.

Large globular tears dropped from her eyes onto her lap.

Ben, my son, my love. I failed you. I am so sorry that I failed you......

Its in your hands now, Rey. Save him. Please. You are my only hope. Save him and love him....love him like he never imagined possible. I will not live to see my grandchildren....love them for me. Tell them about me, about Han. Tell them that we love them. Always.