Taking the Throne

The reckoning

Three of us. He looked at the ground shaking his head in disbelief. Where he had lacked resolve, he was full of steady and calm force. A son, his son, would grow and thrive inside her, and unlike his mother that knew she was being infected with darkness, he would commune with his child in the womb and build a wall. 

Rey's birth would be swift, unlike his own that labored for two days, like the he was hanging on to the womb out of terror. His child would not be born screaming for help and protection as he had, sounds that fell on deaf and ignorant ears. It would scream and cry to open itself up to it's pure awareness and need for love, and he, they, would be there to give it. Limitless, pure love.

Love. Is it possible to love from the darkness?

Secretly, he had always questioned his purpose, and felt the crushing pressure of fulfilling a legacy of the chosen one. It tore at him constantly, and where Snoke believed it would solidify his path into darkness, instead it kept the cracks to the light open and raw.

Ben knew that his grandfather loved his grandmother enough to fall to the darkness. Not completely sure how he knew, it was so clear that instincually he hid this knowledge from Snoke. Buried in the deepest caverns of his mind, he suspended it there, as a blinding ball of light and hope, hidden so deeply that it was abstract and easy to ignore. To forget in order to protect it.

And she, his grandmother, cherished their love and hopes so much that she would give their babies over to the jedi for protection. To Obi Wan Kenobi, his namesake.

The jedi . That word was like acid on his tongue. Protection. The jedi know nothing of protection. All of Anakin and Padme's loss lead to here. To me. A tortured man who had done unspeakable things. For the order.

But he knew it was never about the order, it was selfishly about living up the expectations of Snoke, to be a new Vader.....to be worthy and to finally belong. To not feel like and be treated like a monster.To have purpose and meaning, to find relief from the violent battle between light and dark that had been waging in his mind since the womb.

But his way of thinking was twisted and since the moment he touched Rey's mind, he had to confront the truth, that he had become the very thing they believed him to be. A monster.

Shaking his head, he tried to clear his mind. My son will need a monster to protect him.

Anakin. We should name him Anakin Han Solo. Han- he swallowed hard at the thought. His eyes widened as the falcon came into view. Dad. All of the hair on his body stood up. I killed him....because he meant the most...because I loved him....because I never stopped needing him. I tried to act like i didn't sense him, I tried to pass him by....to avoid it...but he gave me no choice....but I did have a choice....but i could not go back.....there is no going back.

Approaching his ship, he caught something out of the corner of his eye. Swallowing hard, he dropped his head and took a few steps until he heard the blood curdling mournful cry. It sounded like the howl of a wounded animal, and as Ben braced himself for what he was about to do, the wookie let out another gut wrenching howl. Standing beneath the cockpit and next to a makeshift fire ring stood Chewbacca.

Ben squeezed his eyes tightly and turned toward the falcon. When he opened them, the sight of his father's ship stung and burned as he was failing to stop the bitter tears.

Expecting the creature to run and attack, instead, again, he let out the same mournful cry.

Ben stood staring, unable to move or speak.

It was like a strange stand off, neither able to move forward or turn away.

Up until that point, Ben had believed in his core that he was finished with all of this. It was the past and he had killed his past so he could move on and forward, but here he was, looking at his past in the face and tears of a creature he had known as family.

You cannot deny the truth that is your family. The old man had been right.

Ben began to walk toward the towering figure, slowly, like each step was giving him more and more confidence, but instead he felt a knot inside begin to unravel.

Stopping within inches, the two males acknowledged one another. He could have warned the beast that he could crush him with the mere thought of it, but he didn't, Chewie knew he could and confronted him anyway.

A sense of surrender flooded him from a deep place in his soul. Bracing himself for a full on assault, Ben was ready to take it, to not use his force powers and allow Chewbacca to beat on him-but he didn't. Looking down at Ben, his eyes pouring tears, Chewbacca reached out his furry hand and touched Ben's face.

Imagining the last time he saw him, as a young boy, Chewie wept. Remembering the look in his eyes, surrounded by puffy dark circles from lack of sleep and frequent outbursts that ended in crying, a look that always cut Chewie to the core. Leaving him with Luke and saying goodbye, Chewie had known it was the wrong choice but he remained silent, now feeling complicit in Ben's fall.

Remembering the many nights that he had stayed up watching over him while he slept, when he woke from a horrific nightmare. He wept remembering the good times, at the river lands, or when baby Ben was learning to walk, or the first time he used his powers to levitate an apple for the wookie, or the feeling of the young boys arms around his neck seeking and receiving a moment of peace that only Chewie could provide. He remembered sitting the child on his lap and teaching him to pilot the falcon, and seeing pure joy for the first time from the tortured boys face. So many times they sat like that, racing through space, partners in adventure into the unknown.

And he remembered Han, his pain and failure. His death.

All of those memories, compacted into a ball surrounded by pain and suffering. Chewbacca had never loved something so much, even more than he loved Han, and had never known such pain, even when he was separated from his family and own kind.

Ben was his son too.

"Ooof!" Ben grunted as he was forcefully pulled against the mountainous wookie, expecting the beating to begin.

Silently rigid, Ben let the feeling of the painfully familiar grip close in on him,squeezing tighter and tighter. Feeling his body let go, Ben began to hug him back, and if felt like rolling down a hill, picking up speed without a way to stop, a free fall of painful emotions.

"Chewie....I am sory.....it is all my-," The words came spilling out, pained and choked from emotion.

Chewbacca interrupted with a loud growl. Looking into this eyes, Ben knew what the creature was saying, that it wasn't his fault.

"I don't know about that, I did what I did....and I cannot fix it.....I can't fix it......I can't-" As his tears began fall, his heart pounded so furiously that he thought it would explode. "I am so sorry-" He choked out the words.

They stood there, motionless, and for the first time since his parents sent him away, Ben knew he had never really been alone. This revelation was more powerful, transforming, and healing than he ever imagined he deserved. Chewie's forgiveness was the closest he would get to his father's.

Looking up at Chewbacca's face it was as if he was saying "I have always been here, waiting for you to come home."