One of us - Nichorello

44. Poems

<Lorna's POV>

The loud footsteps came closer and closer, slowly scaring me a bit. Due to the wooden floors and long hallways of this building the sound echoed infinitely, making the noise even louder. Carol raised her head in annoyment as she stopped dealing the cards for another round of Texas Hold'em. I wasn't good at playing any kind of card game so I was sitting on the couch in the corner while talking to Piper, who seemed a little bit intimidated by Carol. I mean I totally understood, although she was mostly quiet and calm, the rumors about her were absolutely unimaginable. Who kills their own sister?

I was pulled out of my thoughts by the sound of someone opening the door violently. Of course, it had to be the red-head almost stumbling down the stairs. The angry look on her face, mixed with the intense stare of hers which was fixated right on me, that couldn't mean anything good. She came to an abrupt stop in the middle of the room as she exhaled slowly and looked down at her hands, which were holding a small, black notebook. It looked just like her 'fuck-book'. Was she here to show it to me again?

Her clenched jaw and fists with the furrowed brows and lips tightly pressed together, displayed her madness. I honestly had never seen her this enraged before, not even when I was with Christopher. Hopefully, she wasn't going to embarrass me in front of everyone. Is that too much to ask?

"Nicky, what are you doing?" Vause asked, trying to calm down her psychotic friend who was acting insanely strange.

"Sorting out some fuckin issues, because YOU" she yelled while pointing at me, "are too dumb to fucking see on your own!"

I instinctively took a step back from her, scared by the look on her face. Vause tried to talk some sense into her, but Nicky interrupted her, stepping closer to me. Although she was whispering, every sound came out harsh of her mouth, allowing everyone else to listen to our conversation.

"How can you fucking claim that I never loved you when you were the only woman I ever loved in my entire life," she pressed forward not once looking away. The words themselves would have sounded less convincing if she wouldn't have held this intense stare, her eyes filled with honesty and sadness due to my mistrust in her.

She slammed the black notebook onto the couch next to me and pointed at it as if it was proof for the words she had just spoken. Her hands were shivering as she slammed the wall next to my body and groaned: "Fuck". I flinched at the sudden movement while she was already stomping out of the room.

After a few seconds, everybody started to move again, slowly comprehending what just happened. I mean, what did just happen?

"Dude, I can't believe she actually gave that to you," Alex shook her head in disbelief, staring at the notebook next to me. I picked it up, running my hand over the black leather, which reminded me of her well-known, but not so well received 'fuck-book'.

"What is this? Another fuck-book?" I scoffed, pretending as if nothing dramatic had just happened.

"Lorna, stop. This isn't some bullshit. You're practically holding Nicky in your palms right now. Be grateful," Alex said in a serious tone. Although I was embarrassed by the way I had made fun of the book, my curiosity gained the upper hand, causing me to open the book. The yellowish colour of the paper gave away the fact that Nicky had possessed and used this book for a very long time. The pages were fragile and sometimes crumbled at the edges, some had been written full and some only filled half the way. Some would have round dents in them, teardrops that had dried over time. Without reading any of it, I skipped to the last page, my eyes meeting Nicky's familiar handwriting.

So, I told my brain to stop loving you. But my heart kept saying 'It will always be you'

I kept reading the quote over and over again, not noticing that almost everyone had left the room. The raspy voice of Alex pulled me out of my trance while I tried to wipe the tears away. She softly brushed over my cheek, looking at me sympathetically.

"Come, I'll bring you home."

Instead of replying I started to sob hysterically, crashing into Alex's arms, which were holding me tightly. She rubbed my back, trying to comfort me a little bit. After a few minutes, I calmed down a bit, my eyes completely dried out. My throat was scratching, limiting my ability to speak.

"Do you wanna stay here for the night?" Alex offered. I nodded in response still hoping for a water dispenser to magically appear next to me. Luckily, Alex gave me a bottle of water and handed me a few blankets. As if she could read my mind, she handed me a box of tissues and left the room. I took a deep breath, preparing me for another poem of Nicky's.

The book was completely filled with poems about love, well, poems about me. The bright light from my phone screen blinded me as I read 2:03 am on my display. I had been reading through her journal all night, marking my favourites with post-its, capturing the meaning of them. Once I had finished the notebook, I started over again, reading the recent ones repeatedly, attempting to match the poems with the things that had happened to us.

I'd get over losing anything, but I'll never get over losing you.

This perfectly reassembled how I felt when she left for Europe. She must have composed it when she was departing. I instantly felt regret and guilt for the way I acted earlier. The thing about sadness and remorse is, that it numbs your brain, it numbs every single of your senses as if your body had a short-circuit. It's the kind of feeling that causes you to walk out on the streets in the middle of the night and leads you to some place filled with memories. Your whole body is filled with the kind of sadness where the tears won't spill because all you see is the one person you care about the most. It's the only thing that matters. The only person that ever mattered.

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So, there I was stepping through the door of Nicky's and my favorite bar. The only place where we had ever been allowed to act like a couple. Straight away, the usual scent of strong alcohol flooded my senses while the sound of the live band was reminding me of all the times Nicky had frivolously chanted the lyrics. Most bands and waitresses, as well as the owner of the bar, knew me and Nicky, because of Nicky's vast connections. Therefore, it was no surprise when the dark-haired, slim Gloria, welcomed me with a hug.

"Lorna, I haven't seen you in a long while. Come on, I know exactly what you're here for," she smiled at me encouragingly. I frowned at her statement, but couldn't answer as she started to drag me towards the booths in the back, where Nicky and I would be seated usually. Before I could come to my senses again, she was already yelling at a girl in mine and Nicky's usual booth.