Two Princes In Panama

Chapter 18: Bernardo

I tried not to run away while freaking out, but I know my pace gave everything I was feeling away. I scared myself with my own actions. It was like I fell into a state of delirium. I just had to kiss him, had to make sure he knew that he was mine and nobody else's. I squeezed my head as I made my way into my study. The room was off the kitchen, adorned in marble, making the walk short. When I closed the doors behind me the weight of what I had done hit me like a ton of bricks.

I kissed him without knowing how I feel. He will hate me for it.

The thought of Myles's pillow soft lips against mine. He tasted like peaches and smelled like amber. The feel of his body falling into mine for support and the warmth that we shared. It was one of the best kisses I have ever shared with someone.

Activating my companion, I called my brother Junior, who had a way of putting things into perspective. I was not the best critical thinker in my family, nor did I do well with empathy. My brother prided himself on being able to relate to a wide breadth of people.

"Hey what's going on," he asked.

"I need some serious advice, bro. I'm going through a crisis," I said.

"I doubt that you're going through a crisis, you love to swan dive into hyperbole," he joked.

"This is a crisis. I kissed Myles, and I really enjoyed it," I said. I was trying not to hyperventilate, but my breathing had become strained.

"Oh shit, you enjoyed kissing your husband. We better call the natural disaster agency and get them to your palace immediately."

"Junior, stone being sarcastic. This is serious. I've never felt this way about a man before. I have all these feelings for Myles emotionally, but physically nothing happens. It's so confusing to want him to touch me but also wanted him not to at the same time," I said. Sitting on the desk, I looked out at the driveway. Mileta was outside in her uniform, working out.

"I can't relate to that. Like at all," he said. I could tell he was trying not to laugh.

"After all this time together I can't help but to feel the need to have an emotional connection. Even with most of our relationship being in a rough place, I feel this need for him to want me." I stood up from the chair and walked over to the chair and began spinning.

"I think I like Myles and have mistreated him because I don't know how to deal with these unfamiliar feelings. He's so pure, and I did all that I could to hurt him. I feel like a child saying all of this to you."

"Yeah. You are a child in the way you handle most things. If I'm being honest, you have never been good with change. Anytime something threw off your routine you would throw a fit way past the stage where it was normal to throw a tantrum. This whole marriage has set you on a fresh course. You can't just be the warrior prince anymore. Grow so you can be the person your kingdom, family, and husband need."

I wanted to combat what he was saying, but I held my tongue and did some self-reflection. He was right about everything. I had never been the type to go with the flow; I made waves instead. Control was something that I needed, Myles was the first person to stick to their guns with consequences regarding my actions, and I both liked and hated that.

"Are you still there?" Junior was shouting. I must have missed some other points he had made. "Sorry I was thinking."

"Bernardo you need to go with what your heart is telling you. Your body and mind will follow when you allow yourself to be free. I have never heard you cling to being straight until mom told you about the marriage. You might not have slept with any men before, but you were never outright against it. Rouanet men are well known for our fluidity. Just look at dad. He had partners of all kinds before he met mom."