forever and always. (Matthew Espinosa)

chapter eighteen

I woke from a restless sleep every half hour or so from bad dreams. The hate I'd been getting from all of the other fans was finally building up and getting to me. I had ignored it in every possible way until tonight. The horrible things that'd been written about me hurt, but I never acknowledged them. I shook it off. Tonight they pounded in my head every time I closed my eyes.

When the clock reached 4 I decided to take a walk, and maybe go to matts room.

I quietly opened the door making sure not to wake cameron and began down the carpeted hall in my bare feet. Footsteps trailed behind me as I turned around to see who it was. Sure enough, Matt bumped into me.

"Oh, so-" he began, but stopped when he realized it was me. "Ky, what are you doing up?"

"Actually coming to see if you were awake," I managed to choke out. My eyes were pricked with tears as I continuously blinked to keep them from falling.

He ducked down and caught my gaze, "hey, what's wrong?"

"It's all bad, matt. Nothing's right," my voice began cracking as a tear rolled down my cheek, "I shouldn't be here." As the words came out I heaved for a breath and lost it. I began sobbing as matt pulled me into a tight hug.

After he stood holding me for a minute, he pulled me away and looked at me. His red, puffy eyes flickered between my left and right.

"Please don't be sad, kyra. Please don't say that," he hugged me tight again, "you don't deserve it."

"Yes I do matt," I sobbed. "Everyone's been saying it. They're saying I shouldn't be here in this room or here on this earth matt, I don't deserve to be here!" I sniffled.

He brought me to the wall and slid his back down. He was wearing the same pajamas as earlier, except his shirt now had wet patches on the neck line from my nose and eyes. He stared back at me for a second before finally speaking. "You're right. You don't deserve to be here."

My heart sunk. Immediately, images of pills and blades came to my mind, never have I had these thoughts before. I always swore I never would. But I also never imagined myself in this position.

"Hey look at me," his hand lifted my chin, but I refused to look him in the eye. "You don't deserve to be here because it's a cruel world." My gaze shifted to him as confusion draped over me. "You deserve so much better than here, Kyra. I only want the best for you, and that's not what you're getting. I'm so, so sorry."

A smile slowly crept across my lips as my arms dove around Matthews waist.

"I love you so much, Matt," I whispered almost too faint to hear.

"I love you too."

I awoke the next morning in my bed. I hadn't remembered how I got there, but I made it there alright.

"I could hear cam showering, so I realized it had to be somewhat early, because he didn't want to sleep in today. I laid wrapped up in the white, fresh linens as I thought about what had happened this morning. 'I love you too.' It played through my head trillions of times before deciding it was in a brotherly way, of course. But I liked the way it rolled off of his lips and his tongue, it just sounded so natural. I felt normal again. No more Sad Kyra, Happy Kyra was here to stay.

I rolled out of bed and made my way towards my dresser. I pulled out a pair of jean shorts and a softball hoodie from a tournament I played in Myrtle Beach last year. It was in the mid sixties so it was cool, but not freezing. As soon as Cam got dressed, I quickly showered, got changed, threw my hair in a side braid, and put on mascara. It took me a total of ten minutes, and Cam and I went to the lobby to meet the boys. Our flight left at 12:07 tonight, so I figured we should be back at the hotel by 8:30ish to pack. I didn't really know what anyone had in store to do today, but I knew it'd be fun.

We ended up deciding to go to the beach, so everyone had to go back upstairs and change. I threw on a yellow two piece and a long sleeve basketball tee, plus my original outfit.

We all met back in the lobby, and piled into Carter's car, and Bart's. Bart said he'd just be dropping us off and going to visit some local friends, and to call him if we needed anything. Eva's mom dropped her off right when we arrived, so we all approached the empty beach together, all sixteen of us. We laid down a few blankets, threw off our clothes, and all just glanced at each other. Matt and I, having the competitive relationship we have, made eye contact for half a second and sprinted towards the water. Neck and neck the entire way, we felt the mob of others catching up. We were still too fast. Careless of how cold the water was, we both ran as far as we could and when we got waist deep, we ducked. The water was freezing, so was the air, but I didn't mind it.

The others soon caught up to us with shrieks from the cold. "Ky, your shirts still on..." Sammy pointed out.

I glanced down, it had become a habit now of not taking it off to go swimming. "Oh, yeah I know," I explained, "the sun makes me break out in hives, and if I wear sunscreen, it only makes it worse."

I looked around at the boys, and they were all confused, "Okay..." Sammy looked at me.

I looked at Matt beside me, and he looked as if he were about to say something, but was interrupted. A massive mob of girls began shrieking as they saw us. In their nice clothes and shoes and hair done up, they began sprinting into the freezing water. The boys and Eva and I all ran towards the girls, yelling at them to stop.

They all ended up stopping about knee deep, as the boys approached them. Shrieks filled the air around us. We all made our way out of the water to take pictures.

Before we knew it, the sun was setting and it was almost time to go back to the hotel. We all sat on blankets and watched the sunset before a vaguely familiar voice approached us from behind, "Hey boys," I turned around, along with everyone else, to see a tall brunette strutting towards us. She wore short shorts unbuttoned, over a pink bikini, and no shirt. Samantha.

Nash immediately stood up from next to me, "Samantha, hi," he stuttered.

A smile slid over her face, "Hi Nash!"

"Uh, do you wanna take a walk?" He managed to choke out, motioning down the beach. My heart dropped as my head snapped to Matt next to me. He was looking at me with sympathy.

"Sure!" She walked towards him and glanced down at me before taking his hand.

I choked on my breath before Matt spoke up, "Kyra, how bout we take a walk too," he suggested.

I smiled at him and nodded. I glanced at Nash, who was staring at Samantha in awe, before Matt helped me up. Matt and I headed the opposite direction as Nash and Sam.

We got out of sight from the boys before a single word was spoken. Matt'a hand casually clasped mine.

*

Hi guys. I'm sorry I haven't updated, but a lot has happened. I've met Aaron, Taylor, and MATT at the sunsation tour, and i met Shawn at a small meet up! sooo yeah, my summers been pretty ill. best. summer. ever. okay i love you guys❤️ byeee!