Only Because I Need You

Chapter 46: Location

Caitlin reclined back into her chair. Her desk was cluttered with stacks of paper. The number of tabs opened on her browser were so many that each one was only the size of a pea. Caitlin ran her hands through her hair. She had done too many tests on both her and Iris's blood work. There were many chemicals she picked up on that were not supposed to be  there, as well as high concentrations of other human chemicals. The only issue was linking the ingredients into the drug. Eventually she would get there, that much she knew, but analysis was her most hated part of her job. There was just something so dull about repeatedly scouring through data to find matches for her. Leaning back into her seat, she stretched her hands out in front of her. Checking her watch she realised it was three in the morning. Luckily for her though it was only a Friday night. It wasn't exactly as though she had anywhere else to be.

The painful pang of the hole in her heart slapped her across the face. It had been out of her mind for some time, but of course the moment her mind began to wonder it stabbed her again. Pinching the bridge of her nose, she let out a harsh sigh. She told herself to think about other, happier things, not about her chronic loneliness and solitude. It wasn't easy. Even analysing data sheets was more entertaining than trying to take her mind off it, but the thought kept creeping in. She was well and truly alone. Perhaps she always would be.

"Caitlin?" A gravelly voice penetrated through the darkness of her mind, dragging her mind back to her body. Caitlin jumped with a start, her eyes scanned the room in a frenzied panic only to land on the perpetrator. Ethan was leaning against the doorway to her lab, a cocky smirk pressed on his lips and his hands stuffed carelessly into his pockets. The scientist froze for a minute. He looked so relaxed, so at ease. It was a stark change from when he had first arrived in their timeline. In fact, Caitlin would go as far as saying he had become one of her friends.

Caitlin dropped her eyes back to her spreadsheets, "what can I do for you?" She hummed, flicking through a small notebook.

"Do you ever sleep?" He shook his head, "no, do you ever stop working?" Ethan's voice sounded a little exasperated. Caitlin lifted her eyes to meet his. The speedster was staring at her intensely, his face held an expression of steely determination and poorly disguised concern.

Caitlin suppressed a smile, "why sleep when you could work? It's a waste of time in my opinion..." she let out a sigh and returned her attention to her screen.

The doctor didn't need to see Ethan to know he was frowning. "I swear you are the one with a PhD," he seemed a little frustrated and quite frankly annoyed. Caitlin considered teasing him further, but she didn't want to ward him away from being caring in the future. On top of that, she certainly didn't want to teach him that his concerns were not held highly in her esteem.

Caitlin sent him a cheeky smile, "don't worry, I'm just about done,"

Ethan jutted his jaw to one side. "Did you always do this...?" He asked, making her furrow her brows, "you know, the whole staying up until three to finish work for Team Flash thing?"

Caitlin hummed under her breath. At that late hour she was relishing in hearing his gravelly voice. It sent tingles of relaxation down her spine, "always. I've done it since the formation of the team,"

"Really?" His voice jumped up a pitch. A smirk tugged at her lips as she nodded her head. "I... Barry knew you stayed up... but this late..." he shook his head, "and to think, you were always one of the first to be in the Lab in the morning, around about when Barry left to go to his day job," He cleared his throat, "that would give you a solid four hours of sleep on average... now I'm not a doctor... but that can't be healthy,"

Caitlin sighed, shivering a little. The way he put it, she felt bad, like he had uncovered a dirty little secret of hers. Tutting she pursed her lips, "it's really bad for my health, at this point though I've convinced myself that it's better not to go to bed," she forced a chuckle from between her lips.

Ethan ran a finger down his jawline and sauntered into her lab. "That does sound good," he frowned, sitting down on the gurney behind her, "care to share why?" He asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Caitlin leaned over the back of her chair to look him in the eyes. She couldn't believe she had once thought that his white eye was nothing more than dead tissue. How she had been wrong. If anything it held so much more emotion than the hazel one. It told a completely different story than his cold, unconcerned and healthy eye. It's soft glittering and pensive stare told her that he was concerned. Ethan had been honest to her, to an extent. So if Caitlin wanted him to open up to her more - which was crucial to his healing process - then she herself needed to 'set a good example', as her father would have said. Turning back to her screen, Caitlin felt her smile fall, "as long as you promise not to laugh,"

The wavering tone of her voice must have caught his attention, because she could hear him sitting upright, "Are we twelve?" Ethan snorted. Caitlin pursed her lips and allowed her fingers to fly over the keyboard. When she didn't reply to him, he finally gave her the answer she wanted, "Okay, I promise not to laugh. Now tell me, why do you avoid sleeping?"

Caitlin pulled her hands away from her desk and pinched the bridge of her nose, "it started when Ronnie died," she mumbled, thinking through her reasoning. The doctor almost didn't know why herself. "I dreamed that the particle accelerator had never exploded, that he was still alive, that we managed to get married, have our honeymoon in Rome like we planned and actually have a life together. I was so happy." She leaned back into her chair, her eyes glazed over as she stared at the screen and her lips tugged downwards, "then I woke up and it felt as though he had just died all over again." Ethan was silent behind her. Caitlin was grateful, as much as she enjoyed input from others, the quiet way that he observed and listened seemed to relax her. It allowed her to ramble and chase her train of thought until she had spilled all she needed to. "At first it wasn't too bad. I could cope, I just drowned myself in work and that seemed to do the trick. Until I ran out of work to do and those dreams were a constant reminder of what I had lost. Night after night they got me, they wore me to the bone," she chuckled, "they were worse than the nightmares."

Caitlin chewed on her bottom lip. "Then I figured out, if I was tired enough when I went to bed, then I wouldn't dream at all. My sleep would feel like blinking. One minute it was night, the next morning. No dreams, no disappointment. The staying up late was easy, especially the nights I had Cisco to entertain me..." Caitlin found herself trailing off and quickly corrected her line of thought. "After a while, I got better. I was actually dreaming about other things. Then Ronnie came back to life, and as I am sure you well know, the cycle repeated itself. Then I dreamt Jay wasn't evil. After that I dreamt we managed to help Savitar. Then I began to dream about finally becoming one with Killer Frost. Then I just gave up," Caitlin slapped a meek smile onto her face as she turned in her chair to face Ethan, "I think I am the only one who avoids sleeping so they don't have good dreams,"

Ethan was staring at her blankly, his arms crossed and his body slightly haunched over, something Barry did a lot. Scratching his chin, he righted his posture, "that's going to have to change," he informed her with a stern look. "If you are going to perform at maximum capacity for your team, then you need to face your fears. If you don't, then I will find a way to make you,"

Caitlin choked back a laugh, "I'd like to see you try,"

"Don't test me, I know a lot about getting people into bed," he sent her a cocky smirk.

Caitlin rolled her eyes, "please, I don't think you'd have a chance," she snorted.

"I remember doing it as Barry," Ethan said simply, "maybe it's about time I did it again..."

Caitlin pursed her lips. Even though his words were a little harsh and perhaps insensitive, she knew it was his way of expressing concern and giving advise without seeming like he cared as much as he did. Warm tingles erupted in her stomach, he cared. He cared for her well being. Caitlin felt a warm smile posses her face and infect her eyes, "we'll see,"

A/N: So, I will upload once a day from now on! Editing chapters doesn't take me too long usually, but I hope you enjoyed this shambles!

- Potato 🥔