The Long Game--Joshaya

Chapter 21

I told myself to be strong, but what exactly is strength?

Oh who cares about strength. This was how I was going to do it. I'm going to walk right through this door, suck it up and face Josh. No matter what happens the good thing is that I was able to tell him.

Even if he does leave me, I at least told him. Josh would never leave me though..right?

It was too late to go back on my word now. Josh was on his way here. As brave as I am, there was no way that I was brave enough to go over to Josh's.

I guess it wasn't me walking through the door but Josh. Why do I even care about the details right now?

Oh right because I'm nervous as hell.

And of course at the peak of my anxiety, a knock came from the front door.

I took a deep breath and slowly walked towards the door. When I say slowly, I really meant slowly. Josh had to knock a couple more times because I was walking that slow. I was really dreading this. I was getting anxious about going back into an episode. I didn't like that feeling, and I'm sure nobody does, but just the idea of it scares me. Its like knowing giving birth is painful and you get anxious when the time comes, even if you know the result is all worth it.

"Hey Josh." I gave him a small smile. I was still nervous as hell.

"Hey." He returned the smile. I could tell he was worried. I mean how could he not be. 

I didn't need to lead him, but I slowly lead him to my room. I felt that I needed to be comfortable. We both needed to be comfortable. The silent walk there was the least comfortable thing possible right now. 

I climbed into the bed as he sat at the edge right next to me.

The silence was deafening. 

He shuffled around and lightly grabbed my hand. The sudden skin touch shocked me and I pulled my hand away. 

"I'm sorry." He immediately said, regret in his eyes. 

I shook my head. "No, I'm sorry. I was just a little surprised." I force myself to entangle my hand with his.

"You don't have to force yourself."

"No." I immediately deny his kindness. "I want to force myself. I'll just start here. I don't know how to say it in a way where it won't sound harsh. I've never been a soft girl with kind words. So, I'm just going to say it straight out, like old Maya would have. Everything I'm going to say is me forcing myself. It might hurt me, and maybe it may hurt you even if I don't want it to, but I want to say it. I want to force myself to say it because then I could really grow. At least that's what I want to believe and what I want to test out." I peaked my eyes at his.

He gave me a small nod. 

I take a deep breathe.

"I think its obvious now. The one who..." There were flashes from that night again. No. I was going to do this. "...raped me was your roommate. He apparently is Riley's boyfriend's brother too. It just seems that no matter how much I try to forget, the world brings him back to me. As if the world is punishing me." Josh's eyes become heartbroken as that sentence comes from my mouth. He starts to move to comfort me.

I shake my head. "No. Don't comfort me right now. I need to do this. At the end of it all...I'll be depending on you." I give him a small smile. He looks as if he doesn't want to listen to me but he does so anyways. He squeezes my hand, telling me he's ready to keep listening. 

"As you know what happened.. The thoughts just come back to my head. Everything will be fine but then suddenly I'll be back at that moment. I sometimes think my head wants me to be in my own personal hell. I know it isn't true, but I can't helping wondering why I just keep going back to that night. When I saw him... It wasn't the same as the time when he came back home. Then it was barely a glimpse of him. It was dark and we didn't need any contact. At the park it was different. It was broad daylight and I could clearly see every detail of him. The bright sun turned black and there I was back to that night, except worse. Everything replayed over and over in my head. I felt every move that was made that night. I was reliving it. I was reliving every second of that horrible night."

The tears were streaming and Josh grabbed me and pulled me into a tight hug. I started to sob into his shirt. 

"I don't know why I can tell you this Josh. I've been too scared to tell anyone. I feel so guilty for not being able to tell Riley..or Farkle. They've been looking over me this whole time. I can't ever repay their kindness."

"Shh it's okay. In time you can tell the others if you want. There will be a time when you're ready. When you are, that's how you know you've grown. You've grown so much from when I first came back Maya. This is just another step. Take as long as you want. They'll always be waiting for you."