26.01. :: jastin

chapter sixteen

dec 17, 2017

flopping down in the seat across from him, i dropped my sketchbook onto the table top and pushed it under jason's nose. the not so foreign emotion was still strongly present, so partly i didn't know how to now act around him and stupidly enough i convinced myself to show him my art.

"i'm doing my half of the deal," i spoke the moment when his blue eyes lifted up to look at me, his eyebrows pulled together above them, "it would only be fair for you to do your half."

i watched as realization dawned on his face, "if you really don't want to do it, you don't— it was more as a joke—"

shaking my head, i pushed the black, moleskin journal more in his direction, "wether  it be a joke or not," my eyes dropped down to the tip of his nose as i couldn't hold eye contact with him anymore, "i want you to see them," i whispered.

"justin," he started, his tone wary.

"no, no," i shook my head, "i'm sure. go ahead."

for the love of god and everything that is holy — love really makes you do crazy things, huh? it's actually such a big deal to me. no one has seen my art before, well no one besides my parents. i actually remember the first time when i showed them my art and it's actually a bittersweet memory.

bitter because of the reply that i received. it's also the day when they — mostly my lovely mother — realized that getting me into harvard's law course was near impossible. i could practically see that in her eyes; how the plans she had made for me crumble like a cookie.

dad on the other — he's been always easy going and has accepted that i won't be a top notch lawyer. unlike my mom he actually complimented my art and that's kind of the sweet part of the memory. but even as much as he is easy going he's a weakling when it comes to his own wife, which has ultimately led to them occasionally fighting and him sleeping and fucking around with different college age girls. oh what a wonderful family i have.

momentarily squinting his eyes, he slowly nodded his head and opened the cover to the journal. a drawing of a large rock where a wolf stood on top of it and a full moon shone from behind, with my name and my old address stared back at him.

"i did that page, well it's not really a page," i began explaining as jason's eyes trailed over each line of the drawing, "i did that piece because i wanted to add an owner to the journal, just in case. and i didn't want it to be plain so i just drew a wolf. wolves are kind of my favorite animals."

"i remember you drawing a wolf that day at the park," for a split second he looked up at me, before turning his attention back to the journal and flipping the page to the first actual drawing.

"when i started this journal, i was in a rather bad mood," i grimaced, sugarcoating the actual truth by just a tea spoon.

the truth was that i drew it when i was going over the best ways how one can k¡ll themselves. and weirdly enough the clearing in middle of the woods, accompanied with a pond extending from the right lower corner of the page came out of it.

"originally i wanted to color it in water color," i commented, "but then i realized that the paper is bit too thin for that."

"it's beautiful either way," jason replied, shooting a quick glance in my direction. his blue eyes holding nothing but sincerity in them.

[. . .]

"this is truly beautiful and amazing, and wow," jason lifted his head up, his fingers holding down a page of a park where few people were relaxing in the warm july sun, while others played with their dogs, "why do you keep it such a secret?"

playing with my fingers, i meekly shrugged, "my parents— uh my mom isn't a big fan of my art," i awkwardly coughed.

a frown settled on his face at my words, "she wants me to be a lawyer or something. you know attend harvard and that whole shebang," i quickly added, "being passionate about art doesn't really scream that, does it?"

cracking a small smile, i tried to make the whole situation lighter, but the message wasn't received.

"well what do you want to do after you're finished with high school?" jason suddenly askes, his question catching me off guard.

that question is something i have thought about before, but it's never been finalized because i don't see the point off finalizing it.

"uhm," i raked my brain for that one moment in sophomore year where i did think about it, "i would like to apply to stanford or anywhere that offers art course."

"why don't you send out college applications to more than one place next year?" jason suggested, curiosity making his eyes sparkle, "you can send them to harvard like your mom wants and you can also send them to stanford and... yale. yale has an amazing arts program too! not to mention both stanford and yale are ivy league schools."

furrowing my brows in wonder, i gazed over at jason, "where are you applying to?"

"me?" he questioned, pointing a finger at himself. nodding my head, i watched as he took a sharp breath in and bit down on his bottom lip, "well," scratching out the word, he played with the corner of the laminated menu, "i have my heart set on yale. they offer an amazing program in english language and literature."

"yale, huh."

jason sheepishly nodded his head, "yeah. it's been kind of my dream since i was what twelve? and i know, at that age no one knows what college they want to attend after graduation or let alone be yet thinking about such things, but i just knew."

"that's cute," i commented and took a small sip of the ice tea that was placed before me. we've been here for so long today, that somewhere along the way we decided to order more food. "i'll think about the idea," i said, reaching for the cheese burger, "but what do i do if i get accepted to all of them or if i don't get accepted to harvard?"

"we'll worry about that when the time comes," jason replied, reaching for his own burger. smiling a tight lipped smile, i meekly nodded my head.

yeah.

***
this is the longest chapter in the whole story