26.01. :: jastin

chapter twenty-one

this chapter will be rather "sad" and mostly will consist of a lot of self hate & mentions of s*icide

dec 28, 2017

i hate myself.

i'm worthless.

no wonder why my mother is so fucking ashamed of me. LOL i would be ashamed of me too. actually i am ashamed of myself. god. oh god, why does jason even insist on being friends with me?

oh my god.

oh my god what if he has ulterior motives???

i can bet that he probably makes fun of how pathetic i am to his other friends. i can just now envision him cracking jokes about how he found me shit face wasted the other day in my house. and probably by now he has put together 2 and 2 and realized that i was high on drugs that one day at school.

ha, maybe it's even for the better. it's not the best way how to remember someone when they're gone but i rather keep my stupid fucking crush on him a secret. and him not confessing his secret love towards me (as if there's actually any) to himself. i really rather him think of me as some pathetic, spoiled rich boy who's biggest problem in life is mommy wanting him going to harvard while he doesn't want that.

and besides jason can do so much fucking better than me. he's all amazing and shit, while i'm most days struggling to keep myself alive.

he deserve someone who isn't s*icidal and who doesn't find comfort in drugs and alcohol, and definitely doesn't need xanax to cope with everyday things!

that fucking day could come faster so i can relieve everyone of having me as a burden.

my mom; because god knows that she's ashamed of me and disappointed that i'm putting up such a big fight about harvard and art. and that she has to constantly squeeze my shoulder around people because "i can't behave".

my dad; because then he wouldn't have to worry about his wife finding out that he's screwing college aged girls... his secretary too. he wouldn't have to tip toe around me because i wouldn't exist anymore. i would literally take his secret with me in the grave.

and jason... he wouldn't have to pretend to be my friend anymore. he wouldn't have to put up with my constant mood swings and shitty attitude. he could go off to yale and not worry about that pathetic rich boy he befriended in his last year of high school because he felt sorry for him.

with me gone, everyone's life would get so much better.