More Than friends. (An Ansel Elgort Fanfic)

Chapter 21

Kylie's POV

He calmly shuts the door and sets his key on the table by it. He takes off his hat and sets it down too. I watch his hand shake as he runs it through his hair.

"Kylie..." he trails off.

I don't see anything in his expression that I wanted to see. He looks hurt and upset. I thought he'd be happy that I'm taking this big step in telling him how I feel. Instead he drags his hands down his face and kneels on the balls of his feet. After several minutes I can't stand it.

"Say something." I beg.

He stands up and throws his hands up and hold them there. His mouth opens to say something but they don't. All of his body language screams frustration.

"I don't know what to say." He states plainly.

My mouth drops. "I thought you'd be happy."

He looks at me incredulously. "Why? Why would that make me happy? The fact that I tell you I love you and you can't take it, so I get my mind together and I say I'm gonna take this slow and I'm dead set on it now and then you come in here and tell me you love me? This is such a mind fuck."

"Why are you making this complicated?" I ask.

"Because it is, Kylie!' He yells.

"Why? Why is it so damn complicated?" I yell back.

"Because I can't do this! I love you and only you. You love Zach and I both. I was 110% into this and you weren't. So I want to take it slow now, because I can't handle it if you decide it moves to fast again. You may have thought I was fine but I really wasn't."

I take a few seconds to take in his words. I never thought I would hurt Ansel. Anytime that I thought about telling him how I felt, I always thought about how I would be hurt. I never that I had the capability of actually hurting him. I never even thought that I could hurt Zach.

"You're right." I say, walking over and sitting on the couch. "I love both of you. Today, Zach told me he was leaving. A bunch of feelings hit me all at once and for a moment it was like it was just me and him in the world. I embraced the possibility that I'll never see him again and that scared me. I kissed him."

Ansel looks at the ceiling. His fist clench at his sides. He breaths heavily through his nose. He covers his face with his hands. I know he's not crying, just trying to fathom everything.

I walk to him as I talk. "I do love Zach. I may always. But how I feel about him....it just doesn't compare to how I feel about you." I take his hands and pull them away from his face. I hold them in mine.

His eyes meet mine. He stares into them for what seems like hours. My mind races. Will he turn me down? Or could we finally get back together?

"I can't, Kye. That...that was all too much for me. I took a chance on us and I thought you were into it and-" he shakes his head.

I frantically search his eyes. I place my hand on his cheek. " I am into it. I'm into this now. I'm into you."

Pain flashes on his face. He doesn't seem like he'll say something so I continue.

"Give me a chance, Ansel." I beg.

"I can't" he whines, begging me to give it up.

I back away from him. I grab my bag off the floor by the couch. I cross my arms over my chest.

"So that's it?" I ask.

He's frustrated and I can tell he doesn't know what to say. I shake my head and walk past him out the door. Walking to my car I expect to cry, but I don't. No wonder. As much as I've cried I'm probably all out of tears.

When did I become so emotional? I ask myself as I drive. I know already where I'm going. There's a park and drive by the Brooklyn Bridge. I park my car and I get out and lay on the hood, my back resting on to windshield. I remove my flannel shirt, and I sit there in my tank top and jeans.

I don't feel hurt about what Ansel says. I know we're supposed to be together. I may have confusing feelings for zach, but we both need a fresh starts. He needs a new life away from New York and I need a mature relationship with Ansel.

"You're here too?" I hear a voice.

I turn my head and I see Zach. I sigh. "Why do you always show up?"

He throws his hands up in surrender. "Sorry. You're not the only one that uses this place to think."

He walks away.

I feel bad for being rude, but for once I just want to be myself. I need to figure out how to get Ansel to trust me. My mind is too jumbled to make the decision my self, and besides my desires to be alone, I walk over to Zach's car. I invite myself in and I set in the passenger seat.

"I'm sorry." I say.

"It's cool. You seem stressed."

"Ha. I am."

He pulls something out of his pocket and offers it to me. A pack of cigarettes. I stare at it, then I remove one and put it between my lips. He hands me a lighter and I light it. It's not like I haven't smoked before. It's just I prefer not to waste money on it.

"Tell me about it" he requests.

I take a drag off the cigarette as he lights himself one.

"I told Ansel I'm ready to step up in our relationship, but all he wants to do is take things slow. Like he just wants to be friends." I sigh.

"So? Be friends with him." Zach suggests.

"But we're meant to be more. I can't just be friends with him anymore."

"You'll have to. If you truly want to be with him then no amount of time could change that. Take his needs into consideration."

"Who takes my needs into consideration? Huh? My mom sure as hell doesn't. Ansel apparently can't see that I need to be with him. My now best friend is about to move away." I blow up.

Zach stays calm through my rant. He hands me another cigarette a few minutes after I smoked the first one.

"So come with me." He says.

I'm taken aback. "What?"

"Come with me"

"Zach I can't." I say

"When you're out of options. I know you can't stand being in New York any more. I know you love it but not that much. You can either stay here, be friends with Ansel, wait your chance maybe even travel with him; or you can come with me."

I take all of this in. I have two options. Three actually. Zach is right. I'm tired of the same thing but I'm not ready to leave home. I'm gonna have to be just friends with Ansel anyway. Or I can leave everything I know to live with Zach in an unfamiliar place.

I think my choice is clear.