Darkness for light (completed)

chapter 40

I laid in bed and stared out the window. I wondered where Shannon and I were headed.  He wanted to get married but I wasn't ready.   He wanted a 100% of me and I wasn't ok. Why was I feeling this way?  What's going on with me? Maybe I should just leave.  I grabbed my phone and my purse and car keys.  As I drove away from my house, I thought about maybe I was getting cold feet.  This would pass.   I pulled up to the edge of the beach and got out waking to the edge of the concrete and sand. The moon was dancing along the water, it was beautiful.  Peace and tranquility.   Paris was amazing and worth it, but I wish some parts were different.   Closing my eyes I took in the breeze that was drifting along the sky.   I felt my phone vibrating and I pulled it out of my pocket.  It was Jared?  Me" hey how are you?".   J" I'm ok where are you? ".    Me" at the beach ".  J" mind if I join you? ".   Me" your supposed to be asleep, you guys have the Hollywood bowl soon ".  J" I'm on my way ".  Me" Jared? ".   He hung up and awhile later,  I heard a car door shut and I turned to look he was coming down to me.   J" beautiful out tonight hug?".   Me" yep,  what's up? ".    He sat down beside me and I could tell he was upset.  J" just thinking that maybe about,  being alone for awhile ".  Me " you have Kim, why would you wanna be alone? ".   J" I think I just need to be alone and focus on myself for awhile. I work a lot and its not fair to any woman in my life if I'm only half way into a relationship, don't ya think? ".   He was right thought.   Me" its all you babe, it is up to you. Me I'm good with who I have ".   J" well that's good ".      Me" wanna go for a walk on the water edge?".    J" sure ".    He grabbed my hand and we walked down to the water.  I took off my shoes and I told him he should feel the water and not just look at it.  He laughed.   J" so, why are you down here really?".    Me" need a breather, be by myself ".     J" Shannon? ".   Me" no its not him, I'm just feeling off ".   J" you don't wanna marry him do you ".  That hit a sore spot with me.  Me" of course I do! ".    J" why are you getting defensive ".   Me" I'm not ".  He stood in front of me and looked down at me and said " are you still in love with me? ".    Me" I love Shannon ".    J" no you don't ".    He tried to touch my face and I smacked his hand away. J" look at me! ".  I avoided eye contact and passed him up.   J" stop!  You know you love me and I........I love you ".   I stopped I knew this was a trick he was pulling some how to make me do what he wanted.   Me" you have Kim, she's more than good enough for you damit ".  J" I'm not in love with her!".    I walked faster and was done taking to him.  He caught up with me and tackled me on the beach and came on top of me.   Me" move! ". He kissed me and pinned me down so I couldn't move.  Me" no don't ".  He looked in my eyes and said " look at me and say you don't love me ".   I stared him dead in the eyes. And fuck!  I couldn't do it. Was this why I was having second thoughts about marrying Shannon? Oh god bow what?