Everyone's Asleep, Mind You

XXIII

October 31st, 2016

Germany again, but this time, it's worse.
The boys got worse, exponentially worse, and so did I. My depression is back and I don't know what to do. I'm trapped in DEMA and I can't get out, I can't run to Clancy, and I cannot suddenly break out into tears in front of anyone on this Emotional Roadshow of a tour. I did however, find a release. I found and hid a blade. Over the course of the summer it was hard to hide the marks, but it became fall again and now I have free roam of my skin. I refuse to go into a hotel pool, or even wear a t-shirt and shorts to bed.
I became quiet, secluded, and spent my time doing schoolwork, writing in my journals, animating, or learning more Polish.
By now, I've finished several animations, and posted them. Glowing Eyes, Taken by Sleep, and Friend Please. I gave them my all when I wasn't completely off my rocker. I had one that didn't include music, but audio I needed to record somehow.
Tyler, Josh, Jenna, and everyone else noticed my complete mood change. Tyler's worried the most, I can tell, but I ignore it.
We're on our way to Poland, and it's currently eleven PM. I go into the back lounge with my tablet, laptop, headphones, and microphone I had, and decided to record my audio for an animation. I decided, though, to record it in Polish, just for the hell of it.
I started to record, but would have to take breaks, due to my mind invading my current thoughts. I eventually gave up around one AM and packed everything up.
I was just about done when, it happened.
'Hello Nico, nice to see you back so soon.' They chanted. I started to cry. No, no no no. They can't be back, not after all of this. I sat down on the floor and curled up into a ball and quietly cried as they continued to talk.

I woke up with puffy eyes, stinging wrists, and a keen sense on where we were. We were in Warsaw, Poland and it was six in the morning. I got up and quickly dressed myself before stepping off the bus and walking to the arena.
I've made it a habit of getting into the arena early and hiding myself away until the last possible moment. I still took pictures alongside Brad, but instead of communicating with him, I just sent all my photos to him.
I set up my things and continued to record while the arena was quiet, but I still couldn't concentrate. I just gave up and laid my head on the table that I was working at. I recomposed myself and put everything away except for a journal and a pen.
I opened to a random page and saw the unfinished work that was 'Neon Gravestones'. I decided to finish it then and there.

November 17th, 2016

Dark, darker, even darker. It was the last day of tour before our break, and I was getting worse. And the worst part, everyone could tell, so could I, and I refused to admit it. We were on the plane back to Ohio from France and everyone was sleeping, except me. I hadn't seen sleep in days. The voices grew louder every day, constantly filling my thoughts with things from the past, and ideas for the future. I stared out at the dark sky for most of the flight, trying to clear my head, but it wasn't going to work anytime soon.
We landed early in the morning and said our goodbyes to everyone before driving home. Jenna was awake and waiting when we stepped foot in the house. I hugged her, almost unwillingly, and winced. Everything stung. I then went immediately upstairs and unloaded everything I owned.
I finished when the sun started to come up, but I read a book instead of sleeping because I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep even if I tried.
I couldn't even concentrate on my book that entire time, my mind was screaming at me, of all the mistakes I had made, of the mistake that I was.

We had Thanksgiving as usual, but I was quiet, secluded, and numb. That night all nine of them yelled at me, all things that I couldn't decipher, it hurt my head to think.
I came back to school and the boys were on my tail once more and the beatings were continuous. I didn't bother cleaning myself up, I let the blood run down my face and arms.
At home I never left my room until late into the night, and even then I never really ate. I blamed myself for so many things, too many things. I laid in bed one night and the feeling of choking and pulling from all over my body was so prominent that it felt like someone was actually there doing it.

December 15th, 2016

I didn't pay any attention at all throughout the day. I just awaited what was to come after school.
And it came.
I was pushed into brick walls, punched in the nose, in the jaw, kicked everywhere, and was left to bleed on the pavement. I slowly collected myself and wobbled home.
When I got home I remembered that Tyler and Jenna had gone out for the evening and that I was alone. I dropped my bag in my room and pulled out a pen and a few sheets of red paper. I few scarlet letters never hurt anybody.

I finished them and laid them out on my desk before leaving all of my personal belongings in my room and crawling out of my window.
I jumped to the ground, steadied myself, and took off down the street.

-DLJ