Stall

Chapter 37.

"You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing, and I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make it all go away
I just want something,
I just want something I can never have"

***

I've laid in the bed curled up with Harry for the last 45 minutes in silence, I managed to settle him from how fractured he seemed, reassuring him as much as I can.

I'm laid on my back with his head nuzzled against my chest, holding him close to me and stroking his hair, listening to his steady breathing but being deafended by the questions spinning through me head.

What has possibly happened in his life to have him this way?

I always thought he was so self assured and confident, without a single insecurity or worry, I thought his behaviour was just out of selfishness and recklessness, but now I see just how self destructive it is.

Why does he hate himself?

All the times he would tell me he was a bad person doesn't seem like he was gloating about it now, more so just voicing how he sees himself.

My hearts even more confused now, I know...I know, that there's so much to Harry I don't know and I need to be weary of it, but I just, fuck, I can't find it in me to let that deter how I'm feeling.

He just makes it so hard.

I may not know him well, and know many facts about him but I know him well enough to know that the way he was in front of me tonight wasn't easy for him.

If I'm the person he comes to when he's like that, when he's so cold with everyone else, and I don't even know if he has anyone else he could go to - I'm never going to turn him away, I can't do that to him.

I'm starting to think more and more most of Harry's problems, and most of the things he does that hurt me come from a place off just not knowing what to do with emotions, relationships, people in general.

I can't excuse how he acts, but I can try to understand it.

You can't change or navigate what you don't understand, and I really want to understand why his brain and emotions - or lack there of, work the way they do.

He's in so much pain that seems unbearable for him, that he just keeps locked away and I feel like vomiting thinking about what causes that kind of agony in a person.

Maybe this is the only way he knows how to be, maybe he wasn't shown any different, maybe if I show him the love he might need he could see that things don't have to be this way.

I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.

"Abby?" he says suddenly, his voice hoarse from staying quiet and all the emotion from earlier.

"Hm?" I hum, looking down to see the top of his head as he stares off to the window across from my bed.

"Do you remember when I took you to the aquarium?" he asks, but he seems lost in thought as he talks.

"When you showed up at my work like the pain in the ass you are and basically kidnapped me? Yeah I remember" I try to joke, hoping he's in the mood for me being a twat.

And hopefully it cheers him up.

He let's out a breathy laugh, squeezing his arm around me, before moving it to slide up his shirt I now religiously sleep in and resting his hand against my stomach, tracing patterns with his fingers.

"I'm actually terrified of water" he admits, and my hand pauses in his hair as I stare down to him.

"You are?"