Stall

Chapter 65.

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words"

***

It's been three weeks since my mother turned up at my apartment and I still haven't heard from, or tried to speak to her.

I don't plan to either, while it crushes me, sometimes just because something hurts doesn't mean it's bad for you.

I'm trying to remind myself I didn't actually make a choice, she's the one that made a choice and she chose herself.

It doesn't make it easy, but then again, change isn't comfortable, and I guess that's what I'm doing through right now.

I do have one comfort though, and that's Harry.

Things are by no means perfect, he can't just magically become a brand new person over night and I don't want him to, but he's trying his hardest to work on things he wants to, I just want to support him.

He's mainly just wanting to understand his emotions recently, maybe understand himself a bit more too.

Now that he's figured out what happy feels like he's like a little kid with it, when he's feeling it he points it out excitedly, like he's just painted a masterpiece and showing it off, it doesn't matter if the moment is big or small.

I was walking around his apartment in his shirt the other day, and he just stopped me randomly, smiling and had said.

"I know why I like you in that so much now, well, one of the reasons"

"Why?" I had asked smiling at him.

He stuck his chin in the air like a proud puppy, grinning before he said  "Makes me happy"

I can't explain the feeling I have, that I have the piece of mind of knowing he knows what that feeling is now, whether it's about me or not, it's just something I want him to be able to have and I could cry like a baby over how over the moon I am for him.

He's a work in progress, but we all are, that's what being human is, I don't expect him to not make mistakes, only to learn from them.

That's all you can ever really ask of a person.

It's amazes me, and also shatters me when I sit and think about it, how deprived from love and affection, from kindness and care he must have been that the second he got a glimpse of it he's clung to it with a death grip and is terrified to let go of it.

The glaring similarities between Ludo and Harry become more obvious every day, especially when he comes to my work nearly every day to see him.

It's become a routine for him now, he even helps with his training and rehab. Harry seems to be the only person Ludo really listens to or looks for approval from. He can even sense when Harry is going to get there, because he usually always comes at around 3pm, on the days he doesn't have work to do before he goes to the club.

And at 3pm everyday, you hear Ludo start to whine in his kennel, his tail slapping against the cement until he sees Harry walk up to his door with whatever bag of treats he's brought that day.

Ludo is getting a little fluffy around the edges, but when I mentioned to Harry that Ludo was getting a little chunky he scowled and put his hands over Ludos ears, saying I was going to hurt his feelings and he's not chunky, he's just cuddly.

I feel like they both teach other every day, Ludo is getting a lot better with his aggression and we're learning what a lot of his triggers are.

Harry looks so proud of him, every time he hits a new milestone, or works past one of his traumas, learning to trust and socialise more, Harry admires him - whether he admits it or not, you can see it on his face.