Stall

Chapter 105.

"Father forgive them though they do know what they do
The reason resides in the rise and the fall of these times
Death and destruction, well I heard it on the news
It's hard to know who to trust when these kings and these villains collide"

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I explained everything to Jimmy with far less crying than I anticipated, it's like I have that numb feeling washing over me again.

I left out the part about seeing Harrys father and David kiss, but I did ask why Harry called David 'Uncle David' to which Jimmy said that's just what they referred to each others fathers as.

Their fathers were like brothers because they were such close friends so to Harry David was 'Uncle David' and to Jimmy Harrys father was 'Uncle Matt'.

If only Jimmy knew how close their friendship really was. It's not my place to tell him that though.

Harry went through years of being tortured keeping that to himself because he wanted to protect Jimmy, and I will not throw that straight in his face by telling Jimmy something like that.

That has to come from Harry.

While Jimmy was composed through the majority of the conversation, I would catch brief glimpses of emotion him with certain things.

Like when I said Harry literally showed me one of his father's tapes from when he was little. Jimmy mostly looked shocked, because he had assumed Harry would just tell me but then I also caught that glimpse of severe pain on Jimmys face when I spoke about it and the mention of what happened to Harry.

He said he wouldn't have been able to watch it, and said it was hard enough not being able to help Harry when they were kids and he wouldn't have been able to cope with actually seeing it.

I couldn't cope with seeing it.

I went through everything Harry explained about what they had been doing with finding people that had escaped convictions with Steve's past cases, as well as the other detectives that worked with him and... killing them.

I didn't sugar coat it, because it's exactly what they did.

Again, Jimmy was composed through all of that - eating his chicken nuggets and he just let me talk.

I then moved on to Harrys tapes and his basement and the part I struggled with was whether or not I should tell Jimmy about what Harry was really doing down there, what Harry had told me about making himself suffer and that he was doing it to hurt himself.

Because the worst thing he could do to himself was to the things his father did to him.

God that was conflicting as well, because Harry confided that in me... But I also feel like its something Jimmy needs to know, because even if Harry and I didn't work out or he tried to do something like that again... I don't think Jimmy would want to help him do that.

Helping him kill people? Fine and dandy apparently, but for some insane reason he wouldn't want to hurt his friend.

Just like Harry, Jimmys moral compass baffles me. Maybe there's sanity in their madness, maybe I just don't see it because I haven't lived the way they have.

How do you see death or killing people as the ultimate horror when it's something you're surrounded by? When it's as mundane and normalised to you as grocery shopping is to an average person?

To think, Harry finds death less shocking than someone saying they love him, less shocking than a hug... Is mind boggling - but that's what it is for him.