Contreltophobia (8BitGaming) *New Version*

《3》

>WARNING:Language, mentions of suicide and rape<

>Read at your own risk<
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Ryan stood in the bathroom. Staring at himself in the mirror, hands grasping the sink. Gripping so hard his knuckles were white.

"I'm okay."

'You're nothing.'

"Everything is fine."

'You're broken.'

'You're a slut. You can take it.'

Ryan squeezed his eyes shut. "Shut up." He took a deep breath and looked in the mirror again. It hurt so much. It was like his insides were being town apart. Being shredded to tiny pieces.

The aches he suffered. Every little move, it reminded him. Of what he let his life come to.

'Do it. Worthless. Do it. Broken. Do it."

Ryan whimpered and shook his head. "I-I won't."

'Kill yourself. Stop the humiliation. Do it.'

"No!" Ryan found himself yelling out. He hurried out of the bathroom. He's just tired. Needs some rest. Collect his thoughts.

A nap did sound nice. But his dreams were infected with memories. And it's like he could feel everything all over again.

His past nightmares never terrified as bad as they do now.

But he was free now. Tossed aside only for some other poor bastard to end up the same way Ryan is.

Ryan entered his room and let his body fall back onto his bed. He'd stay here forever if he could.

Stay in bed where the world couldn't judge him. Hidden. All his secrets locked away with him.

He hasn't talk to anyone lately. Well, not counting his family. People like Lewis, Rhys, Oompa, Ry. "Baz." Ryan mumbles out loud.

It's bad enough his main channel is filled with worried comments. He hasn't even thought about the 8BitGaming one.

He felt like a terrible friend. Keeping all these secrets for himself. But that's how it has to be.

'The disgusted looks everyone would give me'. Ryan shivered at the thought. What would they think of him?

Would they feel sorry for him? Or perhaps see him as the worthless whore he was called. A toy.

Tears built up and slid down his keeps. His chest felt tight. The air so....heavy? Maybe no air at all.

He's suffocating. He can't move. He's above him. Holding his struggling body as he raped him without a second thought.

Every thrust, every bite, and nasty word that was whispered into his ear.

'You whore. I know you like it. Be a good boy.'

Ryan gasped for air as he quickly sat up. Hand gripping at his chest. Sweat beading at his forehead.

It's not real.

"I'm fine." Ryan can already hear Nathan's voice in his head.

"Control your breathing. Deep breathes. close your eyes and focus on an object or a happy place."

In through the nose, out the mouth. In. Out. Eyes closed he tries to dig up a happy place.

"So what is going on guys, this is Ryan here."

"And this is Bazamalam here."

A smile crept its way to Ryan's lips. Recording with Ry always made him feel safe.

Of course it took some time after...you know. But he felt okay when the older Brit was in his presence.

His happy place was any recording session he can remember with Ry. Maybe it was time to finally call the lad over.

Get a video up. Calm the comments down. Act like nothing ever happened. Just like old times. Two lads and a game.

Eyes opening, he scans the room. His room. He can breathe easily. Tears had retreated.

Anyway. Ry.

No.

He couldn't possibly just call him up. Ry would want to know why he's been so distant lately. Why he seems so...different.

Would Ry actually even notice? Ryan has lied to him plenty of times in the past.

"Ryan, are you alright? You seem...pale. Paler than usual." He joked at the end. Ryan gave a weak chuckle. "I've just been a little under the weather lately. It's nothing."

Truth be told Ryan doesn't remember what the lie had covered. Too many lies for so many events that had happened.

He felt horrible when lies would slip past his lips. He looked at his best mate in the eyes as he said them as well.

Believe me when I say Ryan definitely felt the guilt. Watching as Ry listened to his words and believed him.

Ryan got to thinking. Who technically is the horrible one? The one who loves to hide pain or the one who believes them when they should know they're not true?

No. Don't go blaming Ry. Just leave him out of it all.

It's like Ryan can't control his body as he grabs his phone and scrolls through his contacts.

Ringing.
Ringing.
"Hello?"

"Hey Ry. I-it's been a while huh?"