The Internship•Calum Hood AU

26• "it terrified me"

I stumbled off the airplane, while attempting to give a weak smile to the cabin crew by the exit started making my way down the terminal "connected to the airplane. I rubbed my eyes which I was certain were covered in huge bags and stifled a yawn.

Sleep was hard when a screaming baby was awake for 9 of all 11 hours to Arizona. I made sure to give the desperate woman a sympathetic smile as she paced and paced struggling with the baby, just to let her know I wasn't one of those assholes muttering under their breath and firing her disgusted looks.

After spotting my bumpy, purple suitcase and dragging it by the breaking handle. I towed it along with me as the bright sunshine bored in from the huge glass windows surrounding me. A smile creeped onto my face as I looked around me, taking in home.

As I entered outside the burning heat scalded into my bare arms and the familiar heat sunk its way into my deprived skin. I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath I didn't know I was holding in and plopped myself down on a bench as I waited for the bus, I could of rang my Mom or even a taxi. But I wanted to just be me again, and get the bus and see everything I came from, and everywhere I didn't know I missed until now.

I unlocked my phone and found no messages. I wasn't surprised, Calum would be nowhere near home right now. I did the bad math in my head to try and calculate the time difference, but gave up and just let myself relax as the weak breeze blew against my messy hair that was already clinging to my head like it always did on hot days. It was crazy to think after spending a month already with everyone on tour that we were all going our separate ways. In some way I was grateful for the space, I needed time for myself and I needed time to just relax and be me again.

I hear the familiar shuttle and rickety bus pull itself up in front of me and I can't stop the smile crack from my tired face as I stand up quickly and make my way to the ugly green bus.

It was nearly empty, with only a old woman and a sleeping man on the bus. I took a seat near the back and listened to the wheezing bus set off onto the dusty streets of Arizona. I made a mental promise to focus more on what I had my heart set on while I had this break, photography. But somehow, I found myself realising that my heart was set on the curly haired boy all the way on the other side of the world.

I thought about what the last few months have brought me. Surprise, friendship and new found love. I hesitated to even call it love, it was more than that to me. Anytime he touched me my skin felt on fire and I could see the universe in his eyes when he looked at me. I knew I wasn't much, a scraggy girl in a pair of sweatpants compared to the glitzy models he was used to. But I was enough for him and that's all that mattered.

I remember I was told that I will never be loved if I can't love myself first, something so silly to tell a 14 year old girl desperately trying to grow boobs and get rid of her acne at the time.

Further on in life I remember also being told that you can't love someone else unless you love yourself first.

And as I rested my sweaty head on the cool, musty window and the sun shone on my eyes and blinded my face with a warm embrace as I watched the streets pass before me. I realised that what I was told is bullshit. Complete bullshit.

And that's when it all clicked, the stars aligned and my confused thoughts came together.

Because I have never loved myself. But Calum, I loved him so much I forgot what hating myself felt like. And it terrified me.

~
I want to apologise for disappearing, I thought nobody liked this book. But now I'll keep it short and sweet and I'm back for good, your outpour of love is amazing and I thank everyone💗
~s